Writing and boyfriend

[L.]

Just ate a big old salad :) 2 romaine hearts!!! I usually only use one!! :)

I have noticed I seem to cleanse the best eating low fat and mostly fruit. However, when school is going on it is incredibly difficult for me to eat that way because I have to carry so much food, I am there all day, and I have no car or way to blend smoothies at school. I need something that would be like a crate on wheels...been having a hard time finding something like that because I don't know a name for it. I don't think a wheelie backpack will be enough room for all of my stuff, but that's an option too.

A bit achey all over today including headachey, and I think the latter is from prednisone. No way in heck I can get off it at the moment >.<. It may well be time to start really loading up on fruit.

Missing my boyfriend, and I can't wait till he gets home--I want to buy a huge, thick, gorgeous journal at the bookstore...I am so excited. I did a lot of research and it seems perfect. 500 pages, 6 by 8 inches...I want a huge one because I write a lot and I enjoy it dearly and in writing, I've usually ended up shortening things I was writing solely because the journal I was writing in was small. I cannot wait to use this big journal, full of possibilities!!! I have a paper and writing obsession. It's so bountiful in the world too!! If there's anything in the world I don't take for granted, it's paper. I am just in love with the stuff. It is so silly, I know, but I cannot help myself.

I even want two of these journals as opposed to one because it is cheap at ten dollars but I am struggling to restrain myself!!!!

I should get ready, I like putting on makeup before I go to the bookstore because, very silly, and I am dead sure my boyfriend would be annoyed by this if he knew it, but I like to look pretty while at libraries and bookstores to show that you can look decent and be intelligent too. I often feel like I am treated like an idiot (before I open my mouth that is--well, even then sometimes, as it doesn't help I have a really high soft voice), and it is one of my insecurities, and I clearly take personal pleasure in proving people that they are dead wrong. Not to say I am that good looking either, but this is something I do as a confidence booster, and by golly, I need to feel like I shine a little bit today as I feel so unwell. It is the silliest thing, and I do feel a bit of shame in it. Sad really. Might have something to do with the fact that Adam seems to want to keep me in the cute box and doesn't want to regard my intelligence. It is very frustrating, as mostly everyone else seems to, but being he is my significant other, his opinion is the one I care about quite a lot more than the others, so it's absolutely been affecting me. I do feel a bit upset about it, to be honest. I am really tired of him making all these assumptions about my personality that aren't true. I hope he learns, because if he can't, I will continue to be miserable until I can't do this anymore. I long to have conversations where we talk and he doesn't interrupt with, "I don't care about this," or "That was boring." For goodness sake barely anything he talks about is ever meaningful. We may not be right for each other.

Smoothie and makeup time.

[L.]

Hello :). Haha, that is funny :) Yes, I do wonder it, I mean we have too many happy times for it to be a definite answer for me, but then we can have such lows too, and too frequently, I think (and I know he agrees). I am not sure what he thinks about the relationship or me as a whole, as he seems to complain about things I do an awful lot, things that are pretty essential to my personality, and yet he does things that lead me to believe that he must be very invested. He bought me the vitamix, for instance, and with student loans he really doesn't have a lot of change to spare currently. He totally supports my new dietary lifestyle, he takes me to all of my doctor's appointments and asks them many, many questions, won't let me buy my own groceries (and for a raw vegan that is saying a lot). I know he is a caring soul who loves me very much, and I him too--I just feel very confused at him sometimes. Hopefully we will figure it all out :)

[Bette Bliss Shaw]

As I was reading this, I was going to ask you one question: Is he the right one for you?" and then you asked that yourself.