That's my sign. I'm not sugar coating it. That's the bottom line. This is something I really struggle with.
I have every reason to put my health first. I suffer horribly with food reactions, my health is not the best and I have had a real serious health scare recently. I do well on my own, in my own home and occasionally out in restaurants with a plan of attack but when it comes to other people and eating with them, I start to crack.
Last week, I went out of town for business and pleasure. I was around people that know I am eating to restore my health and sincerely made efforts to have food for me at a BBQ in my honor. I even brought a salad for myself just to be sure I could eat something as it was a long day. I saw that people had made things that they thought would please me but were off for various reasons ( like being drenched in dressing) or they purchased "vegan" packaged treats especially for me (that had tons of sugar.) I saw disappointment in their eyes that I would not eat these things and other baked treats that they were so pleased to present and started to wonder, would it really be so bad for me to eat it so they wouldn't feel bad? That's my hook: eating to please
While I made food for the trip, stocked the mini fridge in our hotel room with raw food and fruit, and mostly stayed on my plan, I wavered here and there in the company of friends and family and I've suffered for it. I realize also that I don't want to talk about food in company. I share on my blog and FB page recipes and the things I learn for myself about health but talking about why I'm eating a certain way, while I clearly still struggle with my health is down right embarrassing in person. I'm not there yet, its a journey. I don't enjoy preaching about food and try to avoid it. No one wants to hear why I think dairy is the worst thing on the planet while they're chowing down on cheese, even though they are asking me. It felt ridiculous and I feel I look like a hypocrite for not being the picture of health.
I am home now and still recovering from my food transgressions from the trip. Hives, trouble breathing, stomach pain and upset and even fibromyalgia flares. The worst is my chest pain has returned, which is especially frightening. And yet when I received a call from my elderly neighbor's care taker, asking if I would go off my diet to eat ________ and ___________to celebrate his birthday at a party tonight, I agreed. Really?!!
I find myself mad about this. Mad that I would be asked this and madder still at myself that I would oblige. One side of me said, well you've been off... what's one more day? The other side of me says they know I struggle with my health and need to eat carefully so why are they asking me to do this? Why is it so important that we eat what others are eating? Aren't we there just for company anyway? Isn't that what's really important?
I can't help but think that what I was asked was to poison myself for someone else's pleasure because that's what's happened. Does it really matter that much that I eat what everyone else is eating? Does that make me more of a friend? I don't have the answers to this dilemma. I thought I was stronger than this.
Tonight I am suffering. I've tried to sleep but woke up choking. My breathing is impaired to the point where I am afraid to try to sleep again. My airway keeps shutting off. I've taken my herbal remedies but it wont be better until morning. I have done this to myself, simply because someone asked me to and I'm upset about it.
Tomorrow I have a plan: I'm back on a raw detox plan. I need it desperately. I have the food all ready to go and am looking forward to it. I've been experimenting with more cooked vegan but find the lines are too easily blurred. Raw is easier for me and I feel much better. I can't wait until morning.
Thanks for reading my late night rant. Good night all.