Real Food Rehab

No rigid rules, labels or dogmas.... just REAL food, for your body, mind & soul!

I'm 38 days raw today and hanging on.  Today is a no-craving day; that is good.  In these 38 days I have had two "whoopsies" when I ate things I have chosen not to.  But in each case, I only ate a few bites before I came to my senses and stopped myself from having more, or far worse, binging the rest of the day, or worst of all, quitting on myself.  I am going to call that progress because in the past I have done both of those and this time, I just made my next bite raw.  It is not realistic to think I will never give into temptation when a) I have struggled with compulsive eating all my life and used it as my coping mechanism for dealing with some rough stuff and b) I live in a world where SAD food is every where and temptation is a part of daily life.  All I can do is keep vigilant and keep up my other ways of dealing with stress (walking and journaling and talking to supportive friends) and stay away from SAD as much as possible and mitigate damage if I have a rare slip.  I used to have my home as a "safe zone" but now I not only have SAD food in the house, I am actively preparing it for my sick mom (love does what love needs to do.)  All in all, I am ok with my progress. 

 

I will admit that I am frustrated with not weighing in.  I love that validation on the scale, who doesn't?  But I know that in the past it has caused me lots of problems so I won't do it.  I remind myself that my job is to eat healthy, to exercise, to stay raw, to avoid compulsive eating.  If I do that, my body will take care of the excess weight, just as it always has.  I can trust myself, and I can trust my body to heal.

 

I am going through a whole lot of stress right now and trying to type this without crying.  We'll see.  My mom (who is very sick, has kidney failure and is on dialysis and has heart failure and is dependent on oxygen, as well as having one leg amputated and being wheelchair bound) now has a very bad infection in her remaining leg, and is looking at a probable second amputation to keep the infection from killing her.  I am worried that she won't survive the surgery, and I am so frustrated with the doctors who seem to have given up on her.  (They waited 2 wks to get her on antibiotics, allowing the infection to get much worse.)  I love my mom so much.  I moved in so I could take care of her better.  She is funny and onery and full of life--despite all of her health challenges she is one of the most alive people I have ever met.  After years of working things out we are at a wonderful place in our relationship and she is loving and kind and supportive and a wonderful friend besides being my one and only mom.  I feel like I am doing everything I possibly can, and yet, everything seems to be working against us.  I feel helpless and hurt and angry at the genetic disease that is doing this to her and at all the !#$%^ doctors who keep telling her she is dying and seem like they wish she would get on with it. 

 

Through it all I am trying really hard to take care of myself, to stay raw, to stay positive.  I told my kids, "I know that I have harmed my health through compulsive eating and being so extremely overweight for so long.  I want you to know that I will do and am doing everything I can to heal and repair that damage.  I am trying as hard as I can, and it is because I love you so much and I never want you to have to go through years of having a sick parent." 

 

I never want to go through what my mom is dealing with.  I never want my kids to feel this way.  And that is why, I am comitted, no matter what.  I will go to health. :)

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Comment by Debbie V on July 16, 2013 at 9:38am

You are doing amazing, Mallory. (Sorry, but when at RFR, you will forever be Mallory to me.) I haven't been here for a long time, but am so happy to see this update and know that you and mom are doing the best you can with where you are right now. I too had been less raw than I wanted to be for a while, and really just SAD-eating on Saturday, and I paid for it with a migraine and sluggishness and generally feeling like crap on Sunday and part of Monday. It finally occurred to me that it's time to stop fiddling around and just go back to the higher level of raw that made me (us!) feel soooo good in the past. This is only the second day and already I can feel the changes starting. Let's do this.

Comment by Winterdrop on July 13, 2013 at 4:16pm

I know when I click on your posts that you will always write something I can relate to as an emotional eater which makes me feel less alone. Thanks for that. x

Comment by Mary Ann on July 9, 2013 at 9:19am

Progress not perfection :)  I am with you on the weighing in thing. I know that my body fluctuates a lot and it was always difficult for me when I weighed in - I was either on a high or a dramatic low (I did everything well, I ate well, I exercised - so why didn't I lose anything? Oh well I might as well eat whatever I want then - it will never work) So, I now just focus on being good to myself, eating well - the weight will come and I know it in how my clothes feel....

So PROUD of you Heather!!! :)

Comment by Wendi Grant on July 9, 2013 at 6:44am

Sending lots of love your way.   Praying for you.   

Comment by Lucy Provost on July 8, 2013 at 11:27pm

Your mom sounds like such a wonderful presence in your life. It must be so hard to go through this with her. You honor her, your children and yourself by continuing to make positive changes in your life. I know exactly what you mean; I too have to make choices about what to eat each and every day. As long as I make good, raw choices most of the time I know I am doing well :). Emphasis on the word "most" !

 

Comment by Janet Carol Ryan on July 8, 2013 at 10:20pm

I'm so glad that you are keeping in touch here in the 'Hab while you are going through this - you are strong, resilient and resourceful - and you are worth all of the love and self-care that you can give to yourself now and always! hugs to you.

Comment by Glenda Harris on July 8, 2013 at 9:27pm

Heather, I'm praying for you. You are doing so good. Thank you for supporting me during my journey. Love you!!!

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