Adding LIFE to your years and years to your life!
I'm 38 days raw today and hanging on. Today is a no-craving day; that is good. In these 38 days I have had two "whoopsies" when I ate things I have chosen not to. But in each case, I only ate a few bites before I came to my senses and stopped myself from having more, or far worse, binging the rest of the day, or worst of all, quitting on myself. I am going to call that progress because in the past I have done both of those and this time, I just made my next bite raw. It is not realistic to think I will never give into temptation when a) I have struggled with compulsive eating all my life and used it as my coping mechanism for dealing with some rough stuff and b) I live in a world where SAD food is every where and temptation is a part of daily life. All I can do is keep vigilant and keep up my other ways of dealing with stress (walking and journaling and talking to supportive friends) and stay away from SAD as much as possible and mitigate damage if I have a rare slip. I used to have my home as a "safe zone" but now I not only have SAD food in the house, I am actively preparing it for my sick mom (love does what love needs to do.) All in all, I am ok with my progress.
I will admit that I am frustrated with not weighing in. I love that validation on the scale, who doesn't? But I know that in the past it has caused me lots of problems so I won't do it. I remind myself that my job is to eat healthy, to exercise, to stay raw, to avoid compulsive eating. If I do that, my body will take care of the excess weight, just as it always has. I can trust myself, and I can trust my body to heal.
I am going through a whole lot of stress right now and trying to type this without crying. We'll see. My mom (who is very sick, has kidney failure and is on dialysis and has heart failure and is dependent on oxygen, as well as having one leg amputated and being wheelchair bound) now has a very bad infection in her remaining leg, and is looking at a probable second amputation to keep the infection from killing her. I am worried that she won't survive the surgery, and I am so frustrated with the doctors who seem to have given up on her. (They waited 2 wks to get her on antibiotics, allowing the infection to get much worse.) I love my mom so much. I moved in so I could take care of her better. She is funny and onery and full of life--despite all of her health challenges she is one of the most alive people I have ever met. After years of working things out we are at a wonderful place in our relationship and she is loving and kind and supportive and a wonderful friend besides being my one and only mom. I feel like I am doing everything I possibly can, and yet, everything seems to be working against us. I feel helpless and hurt and angry at the genetic disease that is doing this to her and at all the !#$%^ doctors who keep telling her she is dying and seem like they wish she would get on with it.
Through it all I am trying really hard to take care of myself, to stay raw, to stay positive. I told my kids, "I know that I have harmed my health through compulsive eating and being so extremely overweight for so long. I want you to know that I will do and am doing everything I can to heal and repair that damage. I am trying as hard as I can, and it is because I love you so much and I never want you to have to go through years of having a sick parent."
I never want to go through what my mom is dealing with. I never want my kids to feel this way. And that is why, I am comitted, no matter what. I will go to health. :)