Real Food Rehab

No rigid rules, labels or dogmas.... just REAL food, for your body, mind & soul!

I "started again" last Saturday.  It was June 1st, a very good day to start stuff, I figured, and besides, I was MISERABLE.  Beyond miserable.  Looking at miserable in the rear-view mirror.  Let me count the ways:

1. I was close to highest weight.  (Highest ever: 406 lbs.  May 31, 2013: 389 lbs and I felt everyone of them.)

2.  I could not stand for more than 5 minutes at a time.  As soon as I would stand up, my legs would ache, like I was weight lifting.  Which I was, see above!  If I couldn't get a seat on the train, I was literally crying at the end of the line, it hurt so bad.

3.  I could not breathe.  I would breathe hard sitting and doing nothing.  If I walked from my desk to the bathroom, 50 ft, I would huff and puff like I'd been jogging.  I was short of breath all the time.  I had to stop and catch my breath several times on the three blook walk from the bus stop. 

4. I waddled.  I limped.  I looked ridiculous and felt mightily sorry for myself.  I was slow as molasses on a cold day.  If I had to walk with someone, they would have to slow to a crawl, and still I would be huffing and puffing and wishing to crawl in a hole from embarrassment.

5. My legs took turns being stiff and painful.  My hips too.  Ditto feet. 

6. Sitting so much made my thigh muscles contract and I couldn't straighten all the way up.  I looked so dumb and I knew it and it made me so self-concious that I tried not to walk much, rationing even bathroom trips until absolutely necessary...

7. My stomach was swollen and bloated and hurting from all the SAD food.

8. My heart was thumping out of my chest like a jackhammer and I had occasional chest pains that scared the heck out of me.

9.  I was thinking about dying again and making mental plans for my kids, wondering how long I had left, should I cash out my 401K and send Mom and everyone to Hawaii so I could see them all happy before I die?  Or go ahead and buy a house to leave them?  Should I write a book about my life or make videos so they would not forget me and how much I loved them?  Not surprisingly

10.  I cried.  All the time.  Knowing I was dying of the disease of overeating and wrongful compulsive choices and feeling so powerless to do anything about it.  I was also beating myself brutally mentally with regret: "Why, why did you go off raw that Halloween?  Why didn't you get back on?  How could you let it get this bad?  How could you regain all this weight? Why didn't you get back on plan at New Years?  Or the other dozen times you've tried since then?  Why am I still dealing with this? WHY ARE YOU KILLING ME?!  And how can I stop you?!"

 

Rock bottom enough for you?  Paint a picture?  I had no hope.  I had no choice but to continue on the path of distruction I was on or admit I'd screwed up (again) and set a date and get back on plan (again.)  So that's why I'm here. 

I mentally ramped up for this.  The last half of May I told anyone who would listen I was going raw again June 1st.  I wanted to feel accountable, and I wanted to convince the biggest cynic: me. May 31 I ate a little bit of every SAD food I ever loved.  I was saying goodbye. (again)  It made me feel terrible, and I thought, "Good.  Remember this."  I bought healthy groceries.  I got prepared in every way.

On June 1st, I made a smoothie.  It was good.  I remembered I love smoothies!  I made a salad.  I love salad!  I ate an avocado with fresh salsa.  I love avocados and salsa!  I was prepared to suffer and eat "yucky healthy stuff." Instead, I was delighted that everything was fresh and lovely.  (Which is ridiculous because I was raw over 1 yr and I know I loved my raw food and it was delicious.  I was in such a mucked up place I had actually forgotten.)

And I KNOW, it has only been a week.  I know this, ok?  I am not asking for any credit, here, is what I'm saying, capice?  But I'm telling you, the results I am already experiencing are nothing short of a MIRACLE to me.  Observe:

1.  I don't know what I weigh, because I may never weigh again.  Weighing feeds my compulsion.  I may never weigh again.  Seriously. But:

2. Standing is easier.  Already! 

3.  I can BREATHE!  This is huge, and it happened, like the second day.  No more shortness of breath.  I don't have to stop and catch my breath walking home either.

4.  My gait is way better.  I waddle less.  I can walk so much more quickly and without feeling like I have huge concrete blocks for shoes.  Now they are just small concrete blocks!  Progress!  And yesterday it was such a nice day that my boss suggested we have our check-in meeting outside, at a coffee shop two blocks away.  Before I would have been horrified--but yesterday, while I could not keep up with him (he is tall and young and fit) I was not all out of breath scary red face girl! YAY!

5. Much less stiff!  Much less painful!  Pretty sure my inflammation is improved markedly.

6.  I can move!  I am starting to think about finding a Zumba gold (senior-citizen, slower level) class!  I want to dance again! 

7. No belly ache- digestion is a dream. 

8. No chest pain.  No heart thumping.  Happy ticker.

9. No more planning my own funeral.  I have hope!

10.  I am walking in Grace and feeling very, very humble indeed.  I feel like a refugee from a war zone.  I feel safe and it is a relief but I am afraid to go back there.  I am incredibly grateful.  I am praying for this to last. 

 

One week.  (Please God protect me from tempatation.) A beginning. (Please me don't ever go back there again.) A miracle. (Don't let me get me.) I record this here in the hope that I can give someone just that: HOPE. (Why are you even posting this?  It's only been a week.  You have no right to testify.) I would have liked to see this.  How are you?  Are you suffering?  Have you lost hope?  Have you given up?  Do you start out on track every morning and by sunset you are thinking let's not talk about it? (You're going to screw up again and feel like a fool and-)  I have no answers.  I am here by Grace alone.  I don't know what to say to that negative voice in my head except: Hush.  Lalalala not listening! But let's hold each others' hands so we don't fall, ok? One baby step at a time is all it takes...

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Comment by Karen Sands on June 14, 2013 at 9:00pm

 so there...Life takes over sometimes..."I was in such a mucked up place I had actually forgotten"......Sista I so feel your Pain.  Totally get you...am so with you ...so there..What an inspiration for me...and many others....LOVE WHAT YOU WROTE:     I made a smoothie.  It was good.  I remembered I love smoothies!  I made a salad.  I love salad!  I ate an avocado with fresh salsa.  I love avocados and salsa!  I was prepared to suffer and eat "yucky healthy stuff." Instead, I was delighted that everything was fresh and lovely.  (Which is ridiculous because I was raw over 1 yr and I know I loved my raw food and it was delicious.  I was in such a mucked up place I had actually forgotten.)

  LOVE THIS....."But let's hold each others' hands so we don't fall, ok? One baby step at a time is all it takes... " YOU GOT IT GF! LETS ROCK THIS BAD BOY!  We Got this...:)

Comment by Linda Bedell on June 14, 2013 at 9:02am

Thank you, Heather.

Comment by Kathleen Ruhl on June 13, 2013 at 9:37am

Hi Heather! and everyone here! You are such an inspiration and you are definitely speaking to me. I am with you all the way. I ride my bike to and from work everyday, 6 days per week. A total of 9 miles per day/ 54 miles per week. I weigh more then I did when I first started RFR. I've been doing this for 10 mos., even in the winter months. Yet I am not losing weight. I'm not putting any on but I am not losing. I know that I'm still succumbing to some SAD foods and I know I don't feel good after I eat them. I still keep going with healthy and nutritious foods even if it's mingled in with the bad stuff. I'm not saying this is right...I know it is not...my body is telling me. But I continue to struggle and continue to do this pattern. As they say in Emotions Anonymous...Just For Today...I will do my best to love and appreciate my body. Sending you love and light.

Comment by Kellie on June 11, 2013 at 11:31pm
Heather your so not alone. I struggle and fail. But I try to remember why I started this journey. I stand up dust myself off and try again! And i'm happy to say its finally working so please stay the course! You can do it!
Comment by Treesa on June 11, 2013 at 9:28pm

I haven't hung out at the hab for a long while now. Not because I don't love it. Not because I am no longer high-raw (I am). I just haven't been here. A lot of the 'old crew' has left the virtual building it seems. But something in me told me to come by today and now I know why. You're here!

I am here, loving and supporting you. Hope after your move, when you are up for it, we can catch-up. So glad you are still in the PDX area. There is still hope for a get together yet! Love you dear heart.

Comment by Deborah Grissam on June 10, 2013 at 8:07am

Oh Heather Love- I know what you mean.  Lately it seems like I have been "starting over" ever single day.  I start out the day great but the evenings are hard! and I have been getting off track.   

Love to read your blogs!  Thanks so much for sharing your heart!

Comment by Jane on June 8, 2013 at 2:57am

Gosh Heather! I LOVE your writing style.  I don’t usually read long posts (focus of a gnat) but I read everything you write because it’s so good.  It’s great to see you back :-)

Comment by DeaSteinwand on June 8, 2013 at 12:48am

Heather,

Your story is inspirational! I look forward to tomorrow morning and starting again too.

Comment by LaTricia E. Morris on June 7, 2013 at 7:44pm

Heather, what an absolute inspiration you are!  I know, I know...not looking for pats on the back, etc.  You truly touched my heart and I pray in agreement with you on great success!  I know that you can do it!  You hold the power, not the food!  We're so proud to have you as a part of this group and I look forward to the day when you find yourself leading others to life, wellness and success with raw foods!

Comment by Susan : ) on June 7, 2013 at 6:15pm

Go Heather!!!!!

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