No rigid rules, labels or dogmas.... just REAL food, for your body, mind & soul!
I "started again" last Saturday. It was June 1st, a very good day to start stuff, I figured, and besides, I was MISERABLE. Beyond miserable. Looking at miserable in the rear-view mirror. Let me count the ways:
1. I was close to highest weight. (Highest ever: 406 lbs. May 31, 2013: 389 lbs and I felt everyone of them.)
2. I could not stand for more than 5 minutes at a time. As soon as I would stand up, my legs would ache, like I was weight lifting. Which I was, see above! If I couldn't get a seat on the train, I was literally crying at the end of the line, it hurt so bad.
3. I could not breathe. I would breathe hard sitting and doing nothing. If I walked from my desk to the bathroom, 50 ft, I would huff and puff like I'd been jogging. I was short of breath all the time. I had to stop and catch my breath several times on the three blook walk from the bus stop.
4. I waddled. I limped. I looked ridiculous and felt mightily sorry for myself. I was slow as molasses on a cold day. If I had to walk with someone, they would have to slow to a crawl, and still I would be huffing and puffing and wishing to crawl in a hole from embarrassment.
5. My legs took turns being stiff and painful. My hips too. Ditto feet.
6. Sitting so much made my thigh muscles contract and I couldn't straighten all the way up. I looked so dumb and I knew it and it made me so self-concious that I tried not to walk much, rationing even bathroom trips until absolutely necessary...
7. My stomach was swollen and bloated and hurting from all the SAD food.
8. My heart was thumping out of my chest like a jackhammer and I had occasional chest pains that scared the heck out of me.
9. I was thinking about dying again and making mental plans for my kids, wondering how long I had left, should I cash out my 401K and send Mom and everyone to Hawaii so I could see them all happy before I die? Or go ahead and buy a house to leave them? Should I write a book about my life or make videos so they would not forget me and how much I loved them? Not surprisingly
10. I cried. All the time. Knowing I was dying of the disease of overeating and wrongful compulsive choices and feeling so powerless to do anything about it. I was also beating myself brutally mentally with regret: "Why, why did you go off raw that Halloween? Why didn't you get back on? How could you let it get this bad? How could you regain all this weight? Why didn't you get back on plan at New Years? Or the other dozen times you've tried since then? Why am I still dealing with this? WHY ARE YOU KILLING ME?! And how can I stop you?!"
Rock bottom enough for you? Paint a picture? I had no hope. I had no choice but to continue on the path of distruction I was on or admit I'd screwed up (again) and set a date and get back on plan (again.) So that's why I'm here.
I mentally ramped up for this. The last half of May I told anyone who would listen I was going raw again June 1st. I wanted to feel accountable, and I wanted to convince the biggest cynic: me. May 31 I ate a little bit of every SAD food I ever loved. I was saying goodbye. (again) It made me feel terrible, and I thought, "Good. Remember this." I bought healthy groceries. I got prepared in every way.
On June 1st, I made a smoothie. It was good. I remembered I love smoothies! I made a salad. I love salad! I ate an avocado with fresh salsa. I love avocados and salsa! I was prepared to suffer and eat "yucky healthy stuff." Instead, I was delighted that everything was fresh and lovely. (Which is ridiculous because I was raw over 1 yr and I know I loved my raw food and it was delicious. I was in such a mucked up place I had actually forgotten.)
And I KNOW, it has only been a week. I know this, ok? I am not asking for any credit, here, is what I'm saying, capice? But I'm telling you, the results I am already experiencing are nothing short of a MIRACLE to me. Observe:
1. I don't know what I weigh, because I may never weigh again. Weighing feeds my compulsion. I may never weigh again. Seriously. But:
2. Standing is easier. Already!
3. I can BREATHE! This is huge, and it happened, like the second day. No more shortness of breath. I don't have to stop and catch my breath walking home either.
4. My gait is way better. I waddle less. I can walk so much more quickly and without feeling like I have huge concrete blocks for shoes. Now they are just small concrete blocks! Progress! And yesterday it was such a nice day that my boss suggested we have our check-in meeting outside, at a coffee shop two blocks away. Before I would have been horrified--but yesterday, while I could not keep up with him (he is tall and young and fit) I was not all out of breath scary red face girl! YAY!
5. Much less stiff! Much less painful! Pretty sure my inflammation is improved markedly.
6. I can move! I am starting to think about finding a Zumba gold (senior-citizen, slower level) class! I want to dance again!
7. No belly ache- digestion is a dream.
8. No chest pain. No heart thumping. Happy ticker.
9. No more planning my own funeral. I have hope!
10. I am walking in Grace and feeling very, very humble indeed. I feel like a refugee from a war zone. I feel safe and it is a relief but I am afraid to go back there. I am incredibly grateful. I am praying for this to last.
One week. (Please God protect me from tempatation.) A beginning. (Please me don't ever go back there again.) A miracle. (Don't let me get me.) I record this here in the hope that I can give someone just that: HOPE. (Why are you even posting this? It's only been a week. You have no right to testify.) I would have liked to see this. How are you? Are you suffering? Have you lost hope? Have you given up? Do you start out on track every morning and by sunset you are thinking let's not talk about it? (You're going to screw up again and feel like a fool and-) I have no answers. I am here by Grace alone. I don't know what to say to that negative voice in my head except: Hush. Lalalala not listening! But let's hold each others' hands so we don't fall, ok? One baby step at a time is all it takes...