No rigid rules, labels or dogmas.... just REAL food, for your body, mind & soul!
well this is take two....as I was about to post not two seconds ago , I closed everything rather then posting....oie vey.
I have been here before , many times. not just this site, but others and not just this mind frame but many. I haven't been quite this desperate but definitly have told myself I was going to change and didnt. I use to think I was worth the effort . I would get up before the kids...run...eat healthy...stay active. I use to love taking care of myself. Then my daughter passed away . she passed three years ago on August 8th , she was almost two. It was tragic and horrible and quite frankly almost killed me. I gave up....I started to eat and I filled myself to capacity as often as I could and with whatever I wanted in that moment...and for the last three years that mostly been sugar, salt and anything deep fried. I use to not go even a meal without fruits and veggies , seeds and nuts....now ive gone full days without a veg. Its sad, but its true. I gave up on life and it shows....I am now 275 lbs..I am obese and I hate it. Since my daughters death I have tried to clean up my act so many times. and it would go good for a few days or weeks and then I would fall off the wagon....self destruct and really just take myself to the cleaners for all the bad things I had ever done in my life, especially letting my daughter die. It wasnt my fault I know...things happen..I know...but tell that to the inner asshole that rips me apart late at night. He doesnt listen well. I am ready though to overirde the voice, untill it goes away, which is sort of what I am going to use this place for. a place to shoot off my thoughts and ideas ...to keep my desires rather then my self hate at the forfront. To love on myself , rather then destroy.
So a mix between eating like I didnt have a tommorow and the fact that when I told someone I was grieving , they quickly popped me on 11 different meds and sent me home...have a good life....in the 6 months I was on those...I gained well over 50 lbs. I can say that today I am med free ( thank you Lord) and truly ready to take my life back. I am at the point now that I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT. I have to get healthy , because if i dont , then I wont live to see my remaining children grow and I certainly wont live to see my grandkids born and raised. I want my life back.
I want a life that I can look at and know that I did my best , I lived a life I can be proud of . I want a life that I dont spend sitting poolside , exhausted and feeling like I just need to lie down. I dont want it ...I never asked for it..I am giving it back. I want to swim with my kids, I want to run with them , I want to them to want to play with me....not spend it curled up in my bed.
I have alot of things going on with my health , but I really need to start working on my self worth and love. I need to know that I am worth doing the work for and I just dont know if I can fake it till I make it.
besides being huge , I have so many other health issues going on, none of them too serious but I feel like I am on the edge, as if I have a choice to make and if I choose wrong then these issues I have are going to get worse and end in a lifetime of difficulties or I can change my life and live one that is bigger, and fuller.
I think the worst of it all is I am just so tired....and quite frankly I am mad. I am mad at myself mostly for getting me here , but I am also mad at our culture who are so much more comfortable with dealing with health problems then with heart (emotional) problems. I am sick of a society that says eat this , do this , and here fit into this. Its not user friendly , its not made of love and I am sick of it. I want something different . I need something different. I dont know who or what or how , I just know that has got to be more then this. I dont know how I am going to navigate through all this. I really dont , but I know that I have to and really I dont have a choice. If I dont start taking my health seriously...I am going to die. I am praying that God sends people around me that want to see my succeed ...that can build me up, teach me and help me through all this. I know that I can do it...I just need to stay put when the going gets tough.
I can say honestly , I dont know who I am anymore. I think the only thing I do feel confident in is my faith. God got me through this mess thats been the last three years, and he has been my solid...everything else...I have no idea .
So I guess, I am just going to do this...this cannot get worse then they already are...I am at a low...its funny because my last low , I thought ...I can never get lower then this...but every single time I fall and come back , I am lower then I ever thought I could go...I am ready to see how high I can go. I am through with this.
This picture was taken of me last weekend. when I saw it...I was so ashamed...I hurt for this woman...because I know her.....she never wanted to end up like this. I didnt know I had come so far..I knew I was fat, but I didnt know that everyone else could tell too...and I certainly didnt know I looked this unhealthy....if any fat person tells you that they dont know how they got this big ( not inludcing people with preexisting health issues) their lying. I know how I got this big and it was nt from eating well and jogging...this my friends is from three years of sitting still , crying and eating anything and everything I coudl get my hands on. I am ready.