Real Food Rehab

No rigid rules, labels or dogmas.... just REAL food, for your body, mind & soul!

well this is take two....as I was about to post not two seconds ago , I closed everything rather then posting....oie vey.

I have been here before , many times. not just this site, but others and not just this mind frame but many. I haven't been quite this desperate but definitly have told myself I was going to change and didnt. I use to think I was worth the effort . I would get up before the kids...run...eat healthy...stay active. I use to love taking care of myself. Then my daughter passed away . she passed three years ago on August 8th , she was almost two. It was tragic and horrible and quite frankly almost killed me.  I gave up....I started to eat and I filled myself to capacity as often as I could and with whatever I wanted in that moment...and for the last three years that mostly been sugar, salt and anything deep fried. I use to not go even a meal without fruits and veggies , seeds and nuts....now ive gone full days without a veg. Its sad, but its true. I gave up on life and it shows....I am now 275 lbs..I am obese and I hate it. Since my daughters death I have tried to clean up my act so many times. and it would go good for a few days or weeks and then I would fall off the wagon....self destruct and really just take myself to the cleaners for all the bad things I had ever done in my life, especially letting my daughter die. It wasnt my fault I know...things happen..I know...but tell that to the inner asshole that rips me apart late at night. He doesnt listen well. I am ready though to overirde the voice, untill it goes away, which is sort of what I am going to use this place for. a place to shoot off my thoughts and ideas ...to keep my desires rather then my self hate at the forfront. To love on myself , rather then destroy.

So a mix between eating like I didnt have a tommorow and the fact that when I told someone I was grieving , they quickly popped me on 11 different meds and sent me home...have a good life....in the 6 months I was on those...I gained well over 50 lbs. I can say that today I am med free ( thank you Lord) and truly ready to take my life back.  I am at the point now that I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT. I have to get healthy , because if i dont , then I wont live to see my remaining children grow and I certainly wont live to see my grandkids born and raised.  I want my life back.

I want a life that I can look at and know that I did my best , I lived a life I can be proud of .  I want a life that I dont spend sitting poolside , exhausted and feeling like I just need to lie down. I dont want it ...I never asked for it..I am giving it back. I want to swim with my kids, I want to run with them , I want to them to want to play with me....not spend it curled up  in my bed. 

I have alot of things going on with my health , but I really need to start working on my self worth and love. I need to know that I am worth doing the work for and I just dont know if I can fake it till I make it. 

besides being huge , I have so many other health issues going on, none of them too serious but I feel like I am on the edge, as if I have a choice to make and if I choose wrong then these issues I have are going to get worse and end in a lifetime of difficulties or I can change my life and live one that is bigger, and fuller.

I think the worst of it all is I am just so tired....and quite frankly I am mad. I am mad at myself mostly for getting me here , but I am also mad at our culture who are so much more comfortable with dealing with health problems then with heart (emotional) problems. I am  sick of a society that says eat this , do this , and here fit into this. Its not user friendly , its not made of love and I am sick of it. I want something different . I need something different. I dont know who or what or how , I just know that has got to be more then this. I dont know how I am going to navigate through all this. I really dont , but I know that I have to and really I dont have a choice. If I dont start taking my health seriously...I am going to die. I am praying that God sends people around me that want to see my succeed ...that can build me up, teach me and help me through all this. I know that I can do it...I just need to stay put when the going gets tough. 

I can say honestly , I dont know who I am anymore. I think the only thing I do feel confident in is my faith. God got me through this mess thats been the last three years, and he has been my solid...everything else...I have no idea . 

So I guess, I am just going to do this...this cannot get worse then they already are...I am at a low...its funny because my last low , I thought ...I can never get lower then this...but every single time I fall and come back , I am lower then I ever thought I could go...I am ready to see how high I can go. I am through with this.

This picture was taken of me  last weekend. when I saw it...I was so ashamed...I hurt for this woman...because I know her.....she never wanted to end up like this. I didnt know I had come so far..I knew I was fat, but I didnt know that everyone else could tell too...and I certainly didnt know I looked this unhealthy....if any fat person tells you that they dont know how they got this big ( not inludcing people with preexisting health issues) their lying. I know how I got this big and it was nt from eating well and jogging...this my friends is from three years of sitting still , crying and eating anything and everything I coudl get my hands on. I am ready.

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Comment by Sofie De Vroede on October 10, 2015 at 9:36am

you can do it sister!!!!! sending you love and much light!

Comment by starfire on August 15, 2015 at 10:25pm

Aloha Sarah.  Your post touched my heart and my spirit so deeply. You gave life to emotions and feelings that have been swirling around in my heart and I'm sure in the hearts of others.  You spoke words so many of us have not been brave enough to voice.

I am sorry for the pain you have had to endure - the loss of your daughter and other things life has handed to you throughout the years that may have wounded your spirit.  But through all the pain and tears - I saw a beautiful BEAUTIFUL Goddess emerging. Every day - each step is all that matters now. Moving through this journey called life. using our experiences to make us strong - and girl - you've had some doozies to deal with.

But now its your time.  You are here with us and we can do this together. Find our health and laughter once again.  Find our strengths and purpose once again.  Make life MATTER once again! Its not about being a size 6... its about our health. It's about being here for all our children and grandchildren. It's about being able to stand up without our joints aching with pain. It's about playing tag in the yard with our kids and laughing so hard we almost pee our pants! lol!! 

I'm new here to this site and there seems to be a handful and hopefull a growing community of RAWMACIOUS BODACIOUS Goddess ready to support you in your journey!  Count me in! 

((BIG HUGS!!))) we CAN do this!

Comment by Amahla Johnson on August 14, 2015 at 12:12am

Hi Sarah...sending you hugs and healing energy.  I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child, and then still have to go on and be functional.  You probably needed way more support than you had to be able to process everything and your system helped you deal in the best way it could at the time.  I agree with you that our society wants to talk about healing bodies as if it is separate from healing emotional hurts and traumas and that's just not true.   We don't get the space or the encouragement or the tools to sit with our feelings.   We need a healing culture to heal individually, which many are now realizing.   I hope you get what you need from this site and in daily life.  I am one person who would like to see you succeed!

Comment by Kathleen Kelly on August 8, 2015 at 10:07am

Dear Sarah, Thank you for sharing part of your story, my heart breaks for you. I know your pain. I lost my 4 year old sister when I was 13. My mother never got over it. I'm happy to hear that you realize your other children need you, and you need them. My mom had an other baby girl a year after we lost the 4 year old and mom was unable to care for or about her so at 15 years old I had to quit school to raise my sister as my child. I felt sorry for my mom as she never got to have the joy of this baby. Sarah,  rest in the loving healing arms of the Lard and be at peace. Through the pain you can feel the peace that passes all understanding. <3

Comment by Raw at Heart on August 8, 2015 at 8:24am

I know today must be SUCH a difficult day for you today.  Please accept a virtual hug, and know that I'm praying for you, especially today.  xoxoxo

Comment by Raw at Heart on August 8, 2015 at 8:24am

Dear, sweet, Sarah.  Thank you for sharing your story, from your heart, raw and real.  I feel for you so much.  My sister was killed when she was 5 years old, when my mother was pregnant with me, and I can only imagine what she went through and how she possibly could have gotten through that. She or my dad told me once that it was only through their faith in God that their marriage survived. I'm happy for you that you have faith in God to help you through this, and I know he will continue to hold you up.  How old are your other children?  I can feel your pain, and I'm glad you're reaching out for help to get you through this.  Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect, just keep trying!  Start with one fresh, raw piece of food a day.  A fruit smoothie.  A piece of fruit.  A small green salad.  Baby steps!  Does that sound doable for the next week?

I have a husband who is on board with getting healthy and believes in raw food too.  I also have a daughter who's 13.  They are my motivation, but for some reason I just don't do what I know I need to do to get healthy. There are periods where my husband and I will make green juice for a couple of weeks, then stop.  I make all the food here, so a lot of it comes down to me.  If I make a smoothie, they're happy with that.  If I make salad, they're happy with that.  If I make raw food, they eat it.  So, a lot of it comes down to me, giving in to cravings for "comfort" foods and wanting the heaviness of cooked foods.  The numbness of junk foods, etc.  I wish I could get past all that.  I have a lot of weight to lose as well.  I'm over 300 lbs and so sick of it too.  :(

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