Adding LIFE to your years and years to your life!
LOL I just had a naughty night!!! -Naughty nights- are a phrase I just created right now. It basically means, you eat whatever you want and don't give a crud what it is. Course my own personal, "naughty nights," are probably most likely at least 80 percent of people's healthy days. They almost always include lettuce and cucumber lol for example. But I had an avocado, I had a cooked vegan staple, and I just ate as much of and whatever I wanted and had fun. :) Finished that amazing chocolate date pudding I made (the photo is uploaded on here and can be found on my page). Oh lord, it was the best thing I have ever had after I refridgerated it...it solidified into this wonderful creamy fudgy/cake-like texture...it'd be the perfect fudge frosting except--omg, it's healthful...so you can eat an entire bowl to yourself...and feel so naughty, but actually you will be being a little angel! :P That is one thing I love about raw food. I'm so happy I've found the perfect sweet solution!!! Avocados seem to slow me down but dates speed me up so I love how perfect of a dessert they made...dessert that energizes. Yay raw foods. :)
Funny I gained a pound and I fit better into a larger old dress of mine that I had but I am feeling and looking so much better I don't really care too much. I'm still around my maintenance weight and above all, the most important thing is finally I am back to my normal self. For a while I had some major swelling going on in my face...I don't really know what it was...food intolerance? I did stop eating nuts so...it may well could have been that, it did seem like there was a correlation between nuts and the swelling in my face. As of now I rarely eat any at all and hear I am. :) What a relief. My best feature became something I was totally self-conscious about...although material, it was a very detrimental experience for me...and although I learned a bit, I feel grateful it is back to normal and I think it's okay to feel that way.
My mom just won her third term for mayor tonight so we all celebrated...It was amazing lol. We totally reconciled the other night, which I didn't mention because I didn't feel like writing (sorry. >.<). Essentially I had a break-through. First of all I felt strong again and a bit weird for feeling so emotional--like I'd reverted back to where I was a year ago, something I thought I had grown past...but I spoke with someone briefly here about it and she mentioned emotional detox. It had been the first 2 days of my juice feast and it is now just my third month of going raw so it certainly fits the time slot. I felt so much better and the way to bring myself across to her formed itself for me. Here is how.
Basically she was ironically sick. As I'd been avoiding her phone calls, texts, and facebook messages, pondering what to do next, naturally she decided to invite me over through calling my dad lol (they're newly divorced and he wasn't too happy about it :P ). She invited me to see the movie Water For Elephants, which was WONDERFUL by the way. :) So I came over and she was so warm, I just felt so happy and we had a great time and I just didn't feel the emotions I'd felt the other day, clinging to her every judgement. I'd felt free....like none of those things actually mattered and I was finally back where I originally was...emotional detox. So anyway, we finished the movie and were watching real housewives reruns. I said something like, "wow mom, I am in shock, your kitchen is actually messy!" And then she was like, "It's because I am sick." I love cleaning over at her place so I began to clean for her but of course, I had another intention behind this as well. When I finished, I said, "Now I have a high pain-tolerance. This is how I used to feel when everyone was amazed at me for taking dance classes. Now imagine me on a day where I am actually not cleaning."
She was taken aback at first but I think she got the message and gained some respect for me finally. Phew. As sometimes emotions can get in the way and make us very hard to take seriously, as the misfortune of human psychology would have it.
Everyone who commented on my entry about my mother....goodness me......thankyou for your kindness and compassion and beauty. I tried to come up with responses several times only to be embarrassed by what I was saying and I just want to thankyou all who did that...because I did read your words and they did help me and I do appreciate it so much...thankyou. And I am sorry if this feels abrupt. :-/
Anyway fast forward to today, my friend Jess met up with me at my house to go to the restaurant where we'd be celebrating my mom's win/loss and we girltalked about her new guy. :) I am so happy for her, seriously, she seems so happy and he seems like such a gentlemen. We ended up walking around downtown (the weather has been fairly warm, shockingly for MI), where I noticed the town Christmas tree with it's silver balls hanging on it and it's big shiny star on top, and it's funny, Jess said the balls have been on it all year. It's always eerie to me how I stop noticing certain details when I get too used to being somewhere. I think that's why it's always important for us to experience new things and also remember ourselves to break out of our bubbles. I didn't like that I'd been so unobservant, even though it's not the most important detail, and that taught me a bit more about myself, my shell, and to pay attention. We girl talked more about her guy and then went inside and enjoyed ourselves with more chatter. We did not sit with the middle aged people, but rather at the bar, as they were a bit dull and it was awkward for us. My mother was quite -giddy- and it was hilarious to watch her, and we met her new man. Me and Jessica could tell from the body language that he's totally into her and in the most gentlemanly way which very much pleased me :) And we laughed and smiled and then she told me about how two friends of ours, both military wives who married below the age of 22, told Jess in the car one day that she should settle. Not even settle for someone just to settle down, but someone she probably didn't even love that much. I was appalled. If I had been there I would have told them off. You do not say that to someone. I know that they are both unhappy, that they both settled, and they are both in their own fantasy worlds right now about what life is really like, and soon it will come to hit them hard in the face if it has not yet already, but for now I will not tolerate that kind of language in mine or my impressionable friend's presence. If I had been there, tears would have shed. And oh by the way, anyone who saw my latest youtube video would find that scenario all the more ironic, since this actually happened post-youtubing that discussion. But am I surprised, no. I said right there that I was surrounded by it, this sad dependency on relationships for happiness. And clearly I am. (I say also in the video that yes, relationships are beautiful, but that we have to be happy with ourselves first before we can be with someone, or what can we give to our partner? and we have to know ourselves first, otherwise how can we guide them--they need guidance too. it's not all about you.)
Had a wonderful time :) My mom is such a sweetheart...she kept embarrassing me by yelling across the room, everyone look, that's MY beautiful daughter...ahhh!!! So sweet but I was cringing. And if I know I am cringing it's a caricature of a cringe. :P I am not so subtle. Probably the goofiest, most worst actress in the world. :)
We drove back, I felt so happy and so filled with love! :) I feel so open lately and more connected and able to be around my friends and loved ones than ever. Where in the past, I felt shame and like I had to prove myself, now I just feel love and respect and sacrifice. How I look doesn't matter so much anymore and that is so freeing. I know now that it's okay to be vulnerable, okay for your friends to know that they are your only ones, and still be worthy of respect. In the past, I felt ashamed of myself. But I have chosen who I have for my own reasons...and now I realize that, and can only feel proud. I am blessed to have who I have.
I am going on a date friday night. He is VERY direct, every time I text him, he texts me promptly back and with direct questions, and if I don't ask him a question, it's, "So are you going to ask anything about me?" I am not sure if I like it but he seems like a nice guy. Not going to worry about it.
Need sleep but I am SO happy I was finally able to give a clear update!!! Love to you all. :)