I took the day off and it was good

[mary]

Today i had a huge realization that I am not any fun anymore.

I used to be fun back when I was happy and had a husband and family to spend the weekends enjoying fun things with.  But that changed when my life fell apart and my husband and stepson are gone and although my daughter is still with me she is 16 and very independent with a busy social life of her own. 

I have been so hurt and in so much pain these last few months that the idea of actually having fun was inconcevable to me.  I have been mainly struggling to just survive.  Just get out of bed and get dressed-  forcing myself to just do the most basic of things to keep it together on some level. 

I wake up everyday with such a pain in my chest like my heart has been ripped out and I just don't want to do anything.  But  lately I am feeling like I need to fix this because I can't take the pain anymore I have to start healing... this has to get better 

and today I realized that I never even think about doing fun things anymore even on the weekends aside from yoga class I just have a list of chores and I get up and try to do some of them before I just can't stand it anymore and climb back into bed. 

So after yoga I took the day off and went to the beach.  Yes I went alone but because I went alone it was all so much simpler- no cooler to pack, I didn't have to load up surfboards or snorkle gear or be the sunscreen police etc.  I just threw on my suit packed a few things for myself and went.

I am so grateful that I live in paradise

I might be alone and broken hearted

but at least it is sunny and warm and the beach is not far away

so for a little while today I actually felt like everything might be alright

my first glance at the light at the end of the tunnel

[mary]

Absolutely beautiful!  Thanks

[Janet Carol Ryan]

3 cheers for hooping and beach walking and raw food re-invigorating and reaching out to your community - clearly you are willing to feel better and to find your joy again and we are with you!! Gradually the pain in your heart with soften and you'll find new realms of self-love, and celebration! 

here's a photo of my recent Celebration Salad - made in honor of a dear friend who has been living in a physical, emotional and spiritual desert for a while and she's finding her way out just like you!!

[mary]

Thank you everyone for the amazing responses and huge show of support.  It really means so much to me. 

I am feeling a big release of emotions and it is so strange the progress I have felt in just these past few days that I have been back to RFR and trying to reconnect to my health and rawness.  Especially after feeling so tortured and stuck.  It is not like I didn't know this would help because this always helps but I had no idea how much it would help or how quickly I would feel it. 

Yesterday was amazing the realization the understanding and the release.

I feel more like myself today then I have in a very long time. 

I am so grateful to have RFR to come and blog and be supported and understood.  This is huge and wonderful!

I am so grateful to have found raw foods so that I have something to come back to that I know will heal me.

I am so grateful to have yoga in my life because it always helps.

I am so grateful to be spending my winter someplace warm and nice

I am grateful that I have spent the last few years learning how to make delicious healing foods so that knowledge is there for me now when I really need it.

I trust I accept and I let go knowing that when I do EVERYTHING ALWAYS works out perfectly for me.

In keeping with my new goals aside from just going to the beach and having my mind rocked with new ideas I went to a hot yoga class, did 20min of hooping and ate very close to 100%raw including loads of greens and spirulina.

[Maria]

I like to say that the depts of our sorrows show the possible heights of our joys - badly put but basically that our low points allows us to really appreciate happiness when it comes into our lives and that there can't be light without dark. Going to the beach is a great first step!

[Maureen Griffin]

These glimpes of OKness are really important. I can understand how it feels to try and be "normal" when you dont feel "normal" but the balance will change for the better as you look more after you.

Susan's post today about the grey zone really struck a chord with me and I think the sisterhood below also have taken on board this message and live in the now.

All the very best.

[djd]

A big hug for you. The sun and sea air surely do one a lot of good.

At one time in my life, I would take a nap whenever I had a spare moment.  I happened to read an article saying that was a sign of being bored with one's life.  I did not want that for myself, so I quit the nap stuff.

Not to be harsh, but we do have to take care of ourselves, giving ourselves a little push, a bit of a forcing, to do what is good for us.

[Rena]

Well spoken, Bette!
You always speak such kind & thoughtful words.
Things will definitely get better for you, Mary.
Keep your head up!

[WendySmiling (Wendy Campbell)]

Very glad you had a nice day at the beach - and there is light at the end of the tunnel - and it radiates from YOU :-)

[Bette Bliss Shaw]

It will all continue to open Mary. Realize that just becauser the others are no there anymore, you still can have a life and have fun and take care of yourself!!! Alone is not alone if you love the person you are with ..YOU.

You might realize all that opens for you when you give up lonely and alone and embrace singleness and being you in all its glory!!! It really is such a simpler life and a whole lot of fun!

Out of the cracks in that "broken heart" so much beauty and strength can grow and blossom, you wait and see!