Adding LIFE to your years and years to your life!
I've gone weeks on end, bingeing every lunch and dinner. I've gone years eating little to nothing.
I'm beginning to hate food.
I can't stand the look, the smell, the preparation, the presentation. I find it all too "exciting", too sexual, and so many other wrong emotions that food should not cause. I'm sick of having to think about food. But every hour my stomach rumbles, and I'm reminded that I need to eat.
I've thought about mono meals, just eating one fruit all day, but I find there's too much choice. How on earth do I choose one food? Which one does my body say it needs? Which one do I even like? I don't even know anymore. All the "regular" food I try to eat (coffee, chocolate, beer, refined flours, cheese, etc) just leaves me feeling INSTANTLY drunk. My blood sugar hates me. My candida loves it.
I wish I could just read 80/10/10 and get inspired. I can never seem to have enough money to buy it. I wish I had a spiralizer, but I know I hate the idea of cold spaghetti. Cold foods, cold everything. I hate that about raw a lot. Warm drinks are not enough. And yet cooked rice and veggies makes me feel heavy and depressed. I wish there was an in between for me.
When I visited home, I told my mother that I wasn't going to eat anything cooked, only raw produce. She freaked out-even though I got her into juicing again, and she sent me home with a bag of half veggies and fruit, and then chocolates, cookies, and 4 blocks of cheddar cheese. I ate the biscuits and chocolates yesterday after being raw all day. But I had to take the edge off from the day of visiting my family. My aunt squeezed my knees and said, "You're losing weight?" Less of a question, and more like a matter of fact was her tone. I don't have my usual supply. So, I took the edge of the day off with the chocolates when I returned to my apartment. The cheese is sitting in my fridge because I don't want to eat it, and I don't want to give it away. And I never have enough raw food to eat, so I eventually have to go back to eating on the SAD diet to sustain myself at work, but I just feel the drunk, out of it feeling, which is dangerous. I shouldn't have to go through that. And it makes me so angry that I can't eat healthy organic food without it costing my entire paycheck every month.
I'm at a loss. I binged really badly today for lunch, and now I've come home from work. I've managed to make a chai with almond milk, and a salad. I guess that was okay. And I think I feel better. But now, all I'm thinking about is how can I binge REALLY terribly, and make myself wish I never questioned if I ever wanted to stop being raw because I know that is the way for me to regain health. There's a really bad Chinese take away down the street, and I can't afford to spend anything, but I just would. Just to ruin another day, to make myself blow up and feel disgusting, never enjoying the food at all, mindless shoving sugary salty fatty animal pieces into my mouth and to make me panic more. Because I'm addicted. Addicted to hurting myself. Addicted to falling down and watching myself struggle to pick myself back up.
Update: 10:35 pm
bought chinese food, ate most of chinese food. The 3 dumplings, the 3 crab ragoons, the 2 beef teriyaki sticks and half a container of rice was too much. My stomach is so small, like a child's. There's still half the rice. But I already feel drunk, incoherent-ness, anger ensued as I knew it would. I'm surprised I can even type this, I feel yet again, instantly out of it when I eat food. when will I learn? Never. over, and over, and over, and over, and over.