I'm beginning to hate food.

[K.G.]

I've gone weeks on end, bingeing every lunch and dinner. I've gone years eating little to nothing.

I'm beginning to hate food.

I can't stand the look, the smell, the preparation, the presentation. I find it all too "exciting", too sexual, and so many other wrong emotions that food should not cause. I'm sick of having to think about food. But every hour my stomach rumbles, and I'm reminded that I need to eat.

I've thought about mono meals, just eating one fruit all day, but I find there's too much choice. How on earth do I choose one food? Which one does my body say it needs? Which one do I even like? I don't even know anymore. All the "regular" food I try to eat (coffee, chocolate, beer, refined flours, cheese, etc) just leaves me feeling INSTANTLY drunk. My blood sugar hates me. My candida loves it.

I wish I could just read 80/10/10 and get inspired. I can never seem to have enough money to buy it. I wish I had a spiralizer, but I know I hate the idea of cold spaghetti. Cold foods, cold everything. I hate that about raw a lot. Warm drinks are not enough. And yet cooked rice and veggies makes me feel heavy and depressed. I wish there was an in between for me.

When I visited home, I told my mother that I wasn't going to eat anything cooked, only raw produce. She freaked out-even though I got her into juicing again, and she sent me home with a bag of half veggies and fruit, and then chocolates, cookies, and 4 blocks of cheddar cheese. I ate the biscuits and chocolates yesterday after being raw all day. But I  had to take the edge off from the day of visiting my family. My aunt squeezed my knees and said, "You're losing weight?" Less of a question, and more like a matter of fact was her tone. I don't have my usual supply. So, I took the edge of the day off with the chocolates when I returned to my apartment. The cheese is sitting in my fridge because I don't want to eat it, and I don't want to give it away. And I never have enough raw food to eat, so I eventually have to go back to eating on the SAD diet to sustain myself at work, but I just feel the drunk, out of it feeling, which is dangerous. I shouldn't have to go through that. And it makes me so angry that I can't eat healthy organic food without it costing my entire paycheck every month.

I'm at a loss. I binged really badly today for lunch, and now I've come home from work. I've managed to make a chai with almond milk, and a salad. I guess that was okay. And I think I feel better. But now, all I'm thinking about is how can I binge REALLY terribly, and make myself wish I never questioned if I ever wanted to stop being raw because I know that is the way for me to regain health. There's a really bad Chinese take away down the street, and I can't afford to spend anything, but I just would. Just to ruin another day, to make myself blow up and feel disgusting, never enjoying the food at all, mindless shoving sugary salty fatty animal pieces into my mouth and to make me panic more. Because I'm addicted. Addicted to hurting myself. Addicted to falling down and watching myself struggle to pick myself back up.

--

Update: 10:35 pm

bought chinese food, ate most of chinese food. The 3 dumplings, the 3 crab ragoons, the 2 beef teriyaki sticks and half a container of rice was too much. My stomach is so small, like a child's.  There's still half the rice. But I already feel drunk, incoherent-ness, anger ensued as I knew it would. I'm  surprised I can even type this, I feel yet again, instantly out of it when I eat food. when will I learn? Never. over, and over, and over, and over, and over.

[Karen Tesh]

I know how you feel.  Family can be sooo frustrating!  And the binging on the SAD food tastes so good for a split second and then the horrible feelings after..... ughh.  

  I have found that I can plant some veggies in small, raised bed gardens or even pots.  Very affordable.  Also, I can get organic fruits and veggies at a produce wholesale warehouse for a big discount.  There's probably something like that within driving distance near you.

  I asked about 80-10-10 book at my local Wholefoods and one of the girls who worked there let me borrow her copy....   Thank you for being willing to share.  That's how we can help each other on this journey.

[Dee Marie]

It should not be so very hard, but it is. Putting it out there, sharing it with others that are all too knowing, learning that your not alone. Your words touched me. I so feel your pain and wonder if you know what is causing the pain, that deep down pain. Hoping this is a big step in learning to love yourself, your worth it.

Hang in there and take it one meal at a time.

[Kat]

You don't need to read 80-10-10 to get inspired - just watch a few videos from Doug Graham (Susan posted several on a candida discussion here on rehab), or if you prefer there is Fully-Raw Kristina, Megan Elizabeth, or if you really want something drastic Freelee and Durianrider. The principles are simple. Keep your macronutrients at 80-10-10 (80% of cals carbs, 10% fat, 10% protein) on average, most of your cals come from fruits (preferably sweet, tropical fruits like bananas, mangos), but you need to eat a huge salad to get your greens in, and very little nuts/seeds/avocado if any. Breakfast: fruit-meal, mono-meal or well-combined fruits...Lunch: same, fruit meal...Dinner: Two parts - first you eat a fruit meal, preferably mono, until you are satisfied, then a huge salad (like huge, 1 lb lettuce plus other veg), here you can use a little fat like a quarter of an avocado or 1 oz of raw seeds/nuts, but don't have to. Meals have to be huge (like 6-10 bananas) so you get your calories in (according to Graham, Megan Elizabeth etc 2000ish, according to the 30BAD crowd 2500-3000 cals). You have to make sure you exercise (cardio preferably) and sleep a lot (10 hrs?). If you must eat cooked, eat high starch stuff like potato or rice, but without added oils or anything like that (bread is out though). Absolutely no animal products, no beans or legumes, no matter if fully or just some-part raw, you must keep around 80-10-10 (in a video he says 15 is still ok but no more for fat)...no juicing, no supplements, no superfoods. Some people, like Kristina, do a lot of green smoothies on this life-style (but without superfoods or nut milk). I think Graham is against spices and herbs and salt too. Drink lots of water. That's it. If you need explanation on his reasoning, there is plenty of info in his videos. So really, no need for the book, but of course it helps to have it... Now, on the other hand, all this is easier said than done, I am personally struggling with wrapping my mind around the gigantic fruit meals, how to stomach them. 

[K.G.]

Thank you everyone. Such kind words. I don't know how to love myself, and I don't know where to start. But it's all I desperately want to do.

[Laura Harshbarger]

What feelings are you trying to numb out?  Be willing to release everything.  Identify these things, and let them go.  Learn how to love yourself because you deserve it.  This is a normal pattern and nothing to beat yourself up about.  I do it as well.  It's  a work in process.

[Devona]

This was me just a little while ago and I feel that I am just now starting to change into the person that I have wanted to be for so very long. It is still very easy for me to slip back into old habits but every time I slip I come back a little bit stronger and better able to fight the next time. Figuring out that I was addicted to sugar and cooked foods was a big step for me. When I started looking at the chemical reactions that were going on in my body and the science behind why I kept following the pattern it helped my to separate my bodies reaction from who I am as a person. I know that organic produce is best for me but I can not afford it either. I believe that non organic produce is better for me than junk food and refuse to let well meaning people make me feel guilty for buying non organic. Don't lose hope, you are not alone! I pray for all those of us who have food addictions. I believe that many people have food addiction and don't even realize it. At least we know we have a problem and can work on fixing it. Hang in there!

[Sharon KC]

Im glad you shared this.  I struggle too.  Especially this week but at least you are agnoliging how you are feeling.  It helps.  I bought a spiralizer and use it almost every day you can find lots of recipes on line that can help too.  I used a potato peeler at first just take it one step at a time.  take care.

[drue hartwell]

I'm so glad you were able to put all of that on paper.  It could've been written by me..........except I have a spiralizer and I just put warm sauce over it...........better to cheat a little rather than a lot I figure.  But I know how you feel about so much of what you say.  I think many of us do.  Even Penni wrote about some of the pitfalls she runs into with an all RAW lifestyle.  I'm trying not to feel guilty about when I go off of it myself.  I can only change so much at a time and the little things I can do, I try to make constant.  Like eating kale chips.  It's been a long time since I ate any real chips.  This new batch I used Braggs, brewers yeast and Peri Peri sauce (a hot sauce made at a local breakfast place near my daughters school).  Boy, are they delicious.  And me and my granddaughters just finished off the last of the fruit leathers I made last summer.  I am pretty poor, but I did splurge on the things I knew I had to have to make this change.  A spiralizer, a dehydrator (got an excaliber used on craigslist) and I just really blew my budget on a vitamix.  But I use them, they help me.  I've been sick and I made my own tomato, coconut, basil soup in it.  Otherwise, I'm like you..........pho, sushi, eat out, crave sugar, etc.  And I've been working on the whys.............why don't I value myself enough...............why do I sabotage my health at a time when it's imperative I take care of myself (I'm 58).  Childhood abuse, not being appreciated, never supported, etc.  It's been tough.  But I see the baby steps starting to get larger and I know I'm on my way to a better lifestyle.  I hope you can make it too.  Take care of yourself, you deserve it. 

[Rachael]

That's a lot to get off your chest, and I'm glad you did! It sounds like you need to take a step back... it doesn't have to be all or nothing :)

XOXOXO