"I hope you’re not going to do this on Christmas. You better eat REAL food.”

[Michelle T.]

This past week I was about 40% raw. The issues with my boyfriend of 8 years are getting worse. It’s been tough dealing with my emotions and the stress. He says he wants things to work out between us, but right now he’s finding it difficult. He said he’s not at all inspired to go Christmas shopping for me. I said it was okay and that I didn’t want anything for Christmas. I said I was sorry things had gotten so bad. He said I’m not the same girl he fell in love with.
 
I have such bad social anxiety that my parents and my boyfriend are the only people I talk to on a regular basis. Well, aside from people at work that I need to speak to in order to do my job. I don’t see my parents very often. The only person in my life is my boyfriend, and he’s telling me we don’t have a relationship, that he doesn’t know me, and that I’m a joyless, miserable, blank person. My only friend says this to me, and it’s so hard to hear. It’s so hard because it doesn’t make me want to be happy, joyful, and perky. It makes me want to be more miserable, more closed off, and more distant. He said the only way we’re going to work out is if I start counting my blessings, being happy, and making my world bigger than just my cats and raw foods.
 
I’ve been trying so hard with raw foods to beat the depression and anxiety. When I was fasting, I didn’t feel happy. I was blank. And now it’s been extra tough these last few days because even though he’s said he’s supportive of me and the whole raw food thing, he throws it back in my face by saying “How long are you going to do this? I hope you’re not going to do this on Christmas. You better eat REAL food.”
 
He also said he doesn’t like eating alone. He doesn’t like the fact that I don’t eat with him at fast food restaurants. He always has to get take out to eat by himself. I do understand… I should make more of an effort to go where he wants to go and I’ll just make the best choice possible. And I told him whatever he wanted to do for Christmas dinner, I would go along with it. I promised to leave raw foods alone for the holidays if that’s what he wanted. I’m disappointed, but it’s driving a bigger wedge between us.

Is anybody else having a hard time with their significant others about being raw?

[Kay]

2011? I know this is a late reply. Nut your blog post profoundly emotionally affected me - it made my heart pang in pain. And there are tears in my eyes as I type this, firstly because what is *so* evident to me is what a 'special' person you are, you seem to be someone who has depth and intelligence, and a great compassion and understanding for other people - it makes my heart ache that you'll never really have that self-appreciation that would be proportionate to who you are. To have compassion and understanding for people - that is so special when the world is so filled with people who have no understanding, no care, no compassion - who hurt when they hurt and would never ever think compassionately and with understanding on those who hurt them.

Your post makes me hurt a great deal, because I feel like I see myself in you. And it hurts because your worth seems so evident. I know we aren't what we wish we were :(. I know all these shallow surface things such as confidence and joy and zest, feel so important, and make us feel worthless. But that's not what we are. I wish you appreciate yourself for all the wonderful things that make you up beyond that.

I suffer from devastatingly low-self esteem, where it feels like i am going insane with this lack of self-worth, where i get suicidal pangs in the shower. i don't think people can understand, it seems simple and easy to them, but it's torturous and heavy and entangling on the inside...it is so healing to have compassionate people who do understand what you have been through. I have one friend who has given that to me. I really recommend trying to reach out and find this people. There are people that love us wholeheartedly, some people that we wer ejust made for, i've stumbled upona few this year, people who love me depsite all my cracks, my low self etseem, my quietness - my lack, they love me wholely. It's about luck...the luck of finding the right people, who make you feel alive and loved despite you feeling so worthless and unloveable. and you kind of just 'get there' with these people, i know i's hard but you have to put yourself out there again and again - the key ingredient to getting better is pushing out of our comfort zone, reaching out to people and realziinbg that we are okay. ive reched out and been hurt and had my bad feelings reaffirmed - but with these people i learn to be tough, to be assertive - you teach people how to treat you, you assert your boundaries, people will do what they think they can get away with and i dont think people realize the pain they are causing. byt i promise it takes nothin (and everyhting) to get respectful treatment from someone, my relationship used ot be like yours. and he'd say things that hurt and made it worse - i assertd myself, and told him it wasn't okay to say those things, a little assertion is all it takes :).

i also had really bad social anxiety, i still hve it, but i used to never be able to speak to anyone. ive come along way, but its still really hard for me. but you can't abandon yourself and i know you won't. mindfullness - being mindful of your anxiety and pain and bad thoughts REALLY helps. Yoga is beautiful, it works like the greatest anti-anxiety and depression medicine ever! and people! people who you just fit with! and people who can understand. and we become stronger and wiser, and way mpre developed than we would have been if we hadn't been through tis...we won't get back to the confident, fll of life people we were - we will be far more deeper and beautiful than that! i promise you :). i can see it in your already :).  i'm sorry this is so incoherent, i realized i just rambled. but GOOD LUCK to you! i really belive you canovercome this :). and the boyfriend - just be assertive about whta is and isn't okay - trust me, it really works!

[Kristen]

My family does not eat like me so I can somewhat understand.  The thing of it is, is that really this should not matter.  Does it really matter if you are eating a salad and he is eating a steak.  It should just be about the joy of sharing a meal together.  The food doesn't have to match.  I just think that when you are in a relationship it should be more about unconditional love. 

I think the big question here is does he really want to stay in a relationship with you because when you are committed it's through good times and bad.  We as people will have our ups and down.  It is our job to fix ourselves, but it is quite wonderful when we have a supportive partner to help us.  Also, it is only natural that you would be a different person then the person he met.  Life is a fantastic adventure and with experience we change.

So I really don't think the raw diet is the issue because it's just food.  Love is complex, food on the other hand is pretty simple.

So that's my two cents.  Stay well! ♥

[channa brennon]

oh michelle i was wondering if maybe i was reading to much of my stuff into your post....i just worry for young girls like you...and want you to keep yourself safe...emotionally as well as physically..

God bless

[Michelle T.]

Thank you Elizabeth - you're quite right about finding the golden middle. That's the goal. He's in agreement that we have to find a balance. He doesn't want me to give up raw foods completely, he just doesn't want to be the only one tucking in to Christmas dinner, and I'm across the table eating lettuce. It makes him feel lonely. He understands that fruits and vegetables are healthy, but he's insistent that taste is more important than health benefits, so he's not going raw anytime soon. I hope we both find our way. I think we will in time. :)

 

Thanks Deborah - he does eat at home. He brings the takeout home and we eat together. He just doesn't like that I'm not eating the same thing; that we're not sharing the same meals. Sometimes I wonder if we should split temporarily - he did suggest it - but at the time I said no. It's very hard for me to imagine my life without him. I do like my life with him; I don't feel like there's a big problem. He's the one that's having a problem with me... :/

 

Thanks Channa - Perhaps my tone made it sound like he's being really awful, but really he's not that bad. This is my first year trying to be raw and this is our first time entering the holidays and I'm not all gung-ho for holiday desserts and dinners. And I think I've figured out why our relationship is changing. I suffer from depression and anxiety and food was always my go-to friend. It always made me (temporarily) happy. He and I would have fun grocery shopping together most evenings and ever since I went raw, we don't do that anymore. When I eliminated processed food as a source of happiness, I think I became less happy and more blank to him. Instead of sitting and stuffing my face, I'm just sitting quietly. I think this is when he reads me as blank.

 

Thanks D.J. - He's not trying to be mean, I think he's just a bit frustrated with me because I've given so much of myself to reading, researching and living this lifestyle. I think maybe I paid too much attention to raw food rehab and not to him... He did bring it up saying that I spend most of my time on the computer and not enough time talking to him. Even though we're just wrapping up the Raw Balance initiative, I guess I wasn't as balanced as I should have been. He does support me with raw foods, but I think sometimes it reaches a point where he just wishes I was normal and didn't have to deal with me saying "I can't eat that" all the time. Maybe we're still adjusting? You weren't harsh at all! Thank you for your kind words <3

 

Thanks djd - my boyfriend said the exact same thing - that happiness has to come from within and I can't just start being happy just because the future of our relationship depends on it. I'm having a hard time finding the key to unlocking my happiness though. And it's not even that I'm sad all the time, I'm just blank quite a lot where I stare off into space and don't speak (unless spoken to) for long periods. He's pushing me to get professional help, so I've made an appointment to see my doctor in January about talk therapy as a treatment possibility instead of medication. I'd rather not take pills...

 

Thanks Kate - my boyfriend suggested Yoga as well. It's really a money issue right now of whether I can afford to go. It's quite expensive here in Toronto. I have seen some Groupon deals though, so it's something I should definitely try in the New year. Thank you and I hope you have a happy Christmas as well!!

 

Thanks islesgirl - I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your husband. My boyfriend tempts me with bad foods too - but I think it's because he wants me to be happy and he thinks processed foods are an instant source of happiness. But now that I'm following the raw food path, processed foods don't make me happy anymore. And him telling me to eat junk makes it harder for me to stay on track. I hope things change for you. It's really hard when he doesn't let y

[Bette Bliss Shaw]

Note: I wrote my reply without reading anyone else's. You all gave Michelle such good advice.

Again, this IS NOT about the food at all! It is far bigger!

[Bette Bliss Shaw]

Michelle, My guess at first glance, right off the top. YOU are AMAZING incredible you, a divine creation and you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to eat raw foods and nourish your body.

If someone wants you to stop eating what you are eating (to improve your life and change your health...oh and GET YOUR LIFE BACK) then maybe they are not for you.

It sounds like he isnt on your side and you might be with him due to him being your only friend?

Start by learning how to be your own best friend, taking care of you.

If I ever got a guy, I would want him to eat raw food, tis just me. Guy maintence is too much when Bette has all the job in the world to take care of her!

There are ways to work together with food, yours AND his and make it work well, many do it. However, it seems the food is the least of this. If he sees you as a miserable, joyless, blank person, maybe that is what he is...mirror effect.

Sometimes raw....I mean ALWAYS raw turns our lives around and upside down before it sets it up straight. Relationships shift and change, things you did, maybe you dont now...etc etc.

This raw food thing is not fro the faint of heart as it reaches to the depths of our being and brings us back to life!

Life is too short on this side, too short to be with someone who doesnt think you are just the most awesome thing ever! My advice: dont sell out on YOU!

[Elizabeth]

My heart cries out when I read your post. I can only say that we all need to find that golden middle when we are living life we want with people we love.  In my case I just explain to my hubby how it is important for me (and for him, he is a diabetic) and I asked him for support. I cook for him, it is involves meat, rice etc... and I cook for me and then we sit down and eat all of it together, which I believe is a good thing, as he is trying what I am eating and makes correct choices for himself.  But you both need to step to each other side, he never persuade me to eat not raw, he even in jokes when I have my cravings, would say: it not good for you. So you just need to find your way to elaborate this in your life. I really hope you both find your way!!! Lots of LOVE and hugs :) 

[Deborah Grissam]

If you could at least get him to start eating at home, that would be a huge change for him.  Does he like to cook at all?  Maybe you could compromise and agree to start having meals together at home.  At least get him to bring his fast food home and sit at the table with you.  Maybe it is more about the companionship than about the food. 

[channa brennon]

wow. maybe im out of line and forgive me if i am...but this guy reminds me of my abusive ex. he wanted to destroy anything that gave me happiness...twisted it into a way that he could say everything was my fault and i constantly pissed him off...i was always complaining....i guess he wanted me to take his hateful words and not complain about it..

when he almost completely destroyed me and my son...the abuse got worse....i finally left.

always wished i could go back in time to myself ...slap myself upside my head...and scream: LEAVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[D.J.]

Wow.  My first thought was that he's selfish.  It's not all about what he wants.  It's hard for me to understand how he could ask you to "eat real food" for Christmas knowing that you are just trying to take care of yourself.  Relationships are about compromise and allowing the other to be who they are meant to be.  It's not always easy, but it's worth it.   He needs to be a big boy and give you room to grow.  It's so  important for our loved ones to encourage us, especially when it involves our health.  If you have depression and anxiety and are  trying to make things better for yourself, which would also make things better for him, he should be all for it!

I have clinical depression.  I've always been afraid to change, especially if that meant that I was no longer depressed,  thinking that I'd lose my husband because I wouldn't be the girl he married.   When I tell him that he says that he supports whatever changes I want to make and he won't be going anywhere.  I'm blessed, I know.  But I believe that everyone deserves a loving, patient and understanding partner.

Know that you are special.  Know that you are worthy of being supported.  Know that if he doesn't support the choices that you've made then maybe he's the wrong guy for you.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to hear him say those things after 8 years.  Also, my daughter has social anxiety.  So I understand the fear you must have of going out on your own to meet someone new.  I believe that if you are trying to be the best you can be and you walk through the fear that you will be o.k.  (After typing that I thought that I should take my own advice!)  I'm not sure if I've expressed myself properly here.  I hope that I haven't been harsh.  I hope that everything works out for the best for you.

I'm not sure if I'm expressing myself properly here.  I hope that I'm not being harsh.  I feel that if this guy was the "right one" for you that he would love you and support you in whatever you choose to do.   I know that it takes a lot of love, patience and work for my husband to have lived with someone (me) with depression.  He's had to pick up the slack a lot.