Full Acceptance of Self

[L.]

Oh dear, it's been okay.

 

I feel NICER.  I just feel better.  I left a couple comments for people here on the hab to help them out, and I got to thinking about things and it really just feels great to help  people.  And be more open to them, and not kind of shut down as I seem to do.  So I've been smiling today at random times to be polite, not putting a wall up, etc.  It worked--in the bathroom where I normally keep completely to myself and hate talking to people, two different girls said things to me!  And I actually liked them, which doesn't happen often--me liking people right off the bat.  Of course I never really look either, do I??  Either way--there's hope in the world!!

 

I think part of the reason why is my current relationship.  He just seems to think the very worst of me--and you know what happens when someone you're with continually says you're a certain way--you start feeling like you ARE that way... I know he doesn't do it on purpose--but he doesn't really understand me very well.  And even if I do put a wall up--SO WHAT?  I'm not doing it to be mean to people, I'm doing it because I want to be by myself.  But I feel more open to other people around me, and like I want to help them, and that feels good too.  But just because I sometimes prefer to be antisocial, doesn't mean I am mean.  And just because sometimes ignorance can aggravate me, doesn't mean I'm expressing my aggravation as a way to hurt people.  I'm just reacting strongly to something I am passionate about, and I'll always try my best not to hurt other people's feelings.  I know sometimes in that scenario it's hard for me--and anyone--but I still don't think the intent is ever something malicious.  And that's what my boyfriend seems to fail to see during those times.  I'd love to be with someone who embraces me--all my emotions--who embraces my passion and my feistiness and loves it.  I am not going to change something I love about myself for anybody.  I want it to be embraced.

 

We got in a fight last night and it ended well, but there was no resolution, as usual.  It's a bit silly.  But he questioned me on whether I did my homework, didn't believe me and continued to question me, and after 4 or 5 times I started getting upset and saying it's none of his fridging business and he should feel privileged I'm even answering him.  I still feel the exact same way.  I need to be treated like an adult in my relationship or I am not going to be happy.  He completely disagrees and feels like he should be interrogating me for whatever reason.  And so much more than that has been making me feel unhappy and unsatisfied.  He said that I'm like a different person during our good times--that really got me because I realized that all our best times have been had when I bit my lip several times and acted extra sweet for no reason other than to get along better, but I wasn't being fully myself.  I want someone who adores my full self and he seems to only like part of it.  I know I freaking love myself, and I'd be fine being alone--it's just going to be terribly difficult to shop for raw food, is the only thing--and I don't know who will drive me to school...but someone's going to have to, so maybe it'll at least get my parents into gear, who can honestly be so incredibly ignorant (but I love them and they try).  I don't want to lean on my parents for everything--I know I am an adult now--but I'm an adult with, lets face it, a real physical disability.  They need to step up and quit pretending it's not happening, and accept that I'm going to need more help.  If they don't want to, if they put this all on me, I'll go to a therapist and the therapist can tell them for me--pretty ludicrous but I'm a bit wiser than they are and every time I've needed them to do something, without avail the therapist was on my side and I got them to do it.  Anyway, boyfriend and I just can't seem to settle our differences.  I have seriously been considering breaking up with him all day and I feel more assured about it than ever before.  I know he is still resistant from his texts.  I told him I was considering it and then he said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm trying to get along."  And then a few hours later, "Are you OK?"  I said, "I guess."  Then later, "Muah, love you, you need me to get you anything from the store?"

Sheesh.

 

It's nice to be loved but I don't feel fully loved, as it's certainly not for who I fully am.  Hopefully he'll learn something from this.  It's going to be so, so hard but whatever happens after today will probably be a relief.  I want to stay with him and I love him and have been trying so hard to make it work, but time after time it seems he still just doesn't really like me, and that's what I've wanted all along.

 

Ate a huge salad and lots of grapes for lunch.  No problems in the food arena today.  It took a long time to pack my lunch though...definitely need to start waking up earlier to get ready for school.  I feel great though, very satiated and energized for how little sleep I have been getting.  The magic combination seems to be a huge salad with avocado in it and 3-4 pieces of fruit on the side.  Easy to pack 2 romaine heads shredded up all finely in the big tupperware container I have and keeps me going much better than fruit alone, as I would need a LOT of fruit or have to pack a smoothie that I know tastes as good hours later as it did when I first made it (yeah, hasn't happened yet >.<).

 

Ready for better days, I don't like walking around all day with a face burning and stinging from tears I cried the night before!!  Just saying that because it's true!!  I'll be okay.  Damn, I feel like I got an acid peel or something (not that I know remotely what those feel like).

[Little Miss Mac]

hi Lyza, 

He does call regularly (they joys of skype!), although he was living in Ghana where the internet is so unreliable. sometimes we would have the video on and type to eachother coz the internet wouldnt pick up speech! now he has spent the last month with his daughter, and its not appropriate to skype when she is with him. 

We did live together for about 4 months last year, its just that we both travel to work and move about the world alot, sometimes we manage to be together and other times were apart for months. and those are the times when i just dont feel like he makes enough of an effort. 
So its hard! but he is back in europe next week so will see him then and i think it will be decision time, as were both beginning to job hunt again for the next move! but i know something has to change as im not happy atm. 

thanks for your thoughts :)
i hope your ok since this post and have come to the right decision for yourself.  xxxx 

[L.]

Hi Little Miss Mac :)  Thanks so much for sharing that.. I totally know how hard that is.  My advice to you is--after experiencing that myself--get off the computer and get rid of him!  Unless he can call you on the phone, he isn't worth your precious time and certainly not your heart and your emotions.  I was in an online thing for 3 years--because I thought he was The One--and not once did he ever call.  Still hasn't.  I feel like I poured my heart into a bottomless cup or something!  You deserve real-life experiences, even if they are harder to find they are so much more worth the wait.  Hope you decide what is best for you too :)  This stuff is hard!!  Especially because it's so hard to see outside of our bubbles in this type of situation--where we are so emotionally invested it can be blinding!!

 

Hi Bette :)  I think, temporarily, I do have what I want for my life :)  I want different for my future, but for now I think I am on the right path, if that makes sense! >.<  This is very wise advice.  In line 2 I thought, "Well, I sort of already have it, as long as things keep improving." and in line 3 I thought, "Well, I'm not really sure..."  But I know I'll keep thinking about this and eventually figure it out. :)

[Bette Bliss Shaw]

What do you want for your life? Do you have that?

If you want this, how can keep having this and go forward?

If you want different, then how can you get different?

 

How did you feel when you read  line two?

How did you feel when you read line three?

There is the answer to sentence one.

[Little Miss Mac]

Man reading this resonates with me on so many levels.

im going through a similar thing with my partner, except we have been having a long distance thing for the last few months, (making it even harder as typing on a computer doesnt always show your real emotions) plus my thoughts are something i dont want to talk about via a computer, so i just dont say anything. 4 months later and were still together and im still unhappy. 

But i know how you feel about not completely feeling like your being you.

Hope you find the right decision, and have the strength to do whatever you decide is best. 

xxx