Adding LIFE to your years and years to your life!
Hey guys. :)
Well goodness me the appetite has decreased and that is wonderful, as it's helped me--for the most part--choose only the best foods, and I realize why it's happened. This has really truly been the worst PMS I have ever experienced since eating dairy, and I can only think it's because so much is changing within my body right now that it might be funking up the hormones, especially mixing in the cooked food with all the raw food sometimes after I've been doing so well. And added sugar, which I've been eating more of as of late, and for a very long time, I ate little to none at all.
When I went vegan, I started having almost painless periods. No PMS whatsoever, maintained balance. But this one is different probably because I am making so many changes in my diet right now.
Started good old Wilma today, HAHAHAHA I will never call it that again but I just wanted to say it once. :) Was so happy when I saw her, as she was late late late and usually I start at the end of every month, not the beginning, and well, although I know nothing would be happening inside my oven per say, I'd still worry about maybe not enough calories or a nutritional deficiency--anemia is not a healthy thing to be experiencing. Very bad for your bone health, I guess too. I am very happy with all of the spirulina and chlorella I've been inhaling inside my raw recipes! Otherwise I'd probably be bruising right now from the lack or iron, something I used to do a lot when my period started during the SAD diet, yes while I ate meat...I really think everyone should pay attention to what foods they put in their body, no matter what dietary lifestyle they lead--it's just the smartest! :)
I want to briefly write yesterday's food log here to explain why I am feeling the way I am this morning, also, I didn't really do a good job at updating it because I came home so late yesterday.
Breakfast (9:oo AM): A couple slices of a healthy cacao pumpkin dessert I made.
Lunch (1:30 PM): A few peeled, sliced cucumbers dipped in a raw veggie pate (I seriously LOVE making pates/burgers out of veggies instead of nuts!!! I feel like a genius for having come up with it).
No snacking in between...had no appetite and lots of energy.
Dinner (2:30 AM): Bowl of cooked rice with flax oil, sesame oil, mustard, herbs, lemon juice, and a soy product on top. Few pieces of candy.
Dinner I am not really happy about but I am pretty sure it's something I feel so badly about that I've truly taken it in and learned from it. You see, I hadn't eaten all day--still wasn't the most hungry--but I wanted something that I knew would be easy to digest before bed time--that is never raw for me unless it's a juice, because until I get my ulcerative proctitis all fixed, eating raw, fibrous foods before bed (during the day, I seem to be improving in this department) is one of the very worst things I can do if I am trying to prevent symptoms from occurring. So I had that...Woke up the next morning and I knew it was probably both good and bad that I had the food, good because the healthy fats probably helped me start my period, good also because I still lost weight since yesterday, my skin still cleared a bit--but I just feel a bit slower this morning, a bit more sluggish, and not as refreshed as I know I would have felt had I waited to have a big breakfast in the morning. I also feel as if, yes, maybe these cooked foods are not affecting my arthritis in as negative of a way as say bananas or nuts, but they are making everything else feel worn down, it's just a much much slower process.
One wonderful thing that happened this morning was for the first time--I can see my cheekbones!!! I look totally back to normal!!!! My face had got so much rounder as my health problems worsened, even when I was light as a feather (but still eating foods I had become intolerant to, particularly peanut butter around the time when I was trying to recover from anorexia--you can say that completely backfired), it was round. In fact, I screamed in the mirror when I smiled and saw that my double set of dimples was back!!!! That totally went away when my face was round and swollen!! I should do before and after pictures but right now I am too embarrassed and too afraid it won't last!!
This morning I don't feel as hungry as I do when I haven't eaten at night, so I am waiting a bit and having a late breakfast...I cannot wait for the burny, empty detox feeling to hit me again, and get rid of this sluggish, this slow from such bad food!
I have not told the guy I am dating at all about my health problems or why I eat so healthy. I just say that I truly love to eat healthy and prefer healthy food--hey, it's true. I want to be as normal and unworried about as possible, that would just make me feel so much happier and stronger, so as long as I keep on healing, I'd like to not tell anyone about what I go through. And then when I do heal, then I can tell people maybe about why I continue eating so wonderfully--as that could help them and be an inspiration. But in the mean time I just despise the idea of the ones around me feeling sorry for me.
I did give him a tip on kissing last night, he seems to be getting better. He thinks he is being wild when he kisses me so badly but really it's just BAD lol!!! Oh well :) I'm having fun. He keeps asking me if I want a relationship, well...I don't know yet, most likely not. He seems like he's really starting to like me so I just keep telling him how much I don't like relationships and how happily I love being alone. I guess maybe I should distance myself a little bit this week, I have just been enjoying someone caring about me, but how silly. I have to be strong, I just have to be on my own right now.
One thing he also keeps doing is touching my stomach a lot and he's asked me twice now if I have had kids, HEY GUYS--I just want to let you know that this is NOT something you should EVER DO if you want to boost your girl's ego!!!!! In fact, how about just not ever!!! I carry a lot of water weight around this time of the month in the maternal area. This is also the most triggering thing anyone could possibly DO, which I am happy about because again, it's helping me detox and make healthier choices, but uhh...also it's something that I've got to watch over a bit now. I've detoxed before under not the most healthy of circumstances--it was great for my body--in that time period I healed my arthritis and I was in shock--I'd had no idea about raw, was just choosing the foods that didn't leave me feeling heavy and fat--fruits and vegetables--then after I noticed my results, I googled about why I was healing so much because I was in so much shock--and that right there is why I am so passionate about healing myself with raw now, because I know how amazing it is for us. But then I made low calories and an unhealthy obsession with control something I did in the long term, and hurt myself because of it.
Keeping on keeping on!!!! :) <3
Well for breakfast I had an avocado with heaping tablespoons of both spirulina and chlorella, seasonings, water, lemon juice. I never really mention this but I always add dried ground ginger to a lot of things like this too just to get those anti-inflammatory benefits, and of course I had a peeled sliced cucumber I dipped into this. I had one chip, ate the meal, thought maybe I'd want more and by the time the meal was finished I had no desire for it because I loved the refreshed feeling I was already having.
For lunch I had lots of organic red grapes--maybe 2-3 cups and green tea. I paid 7 dollars for a bag of them...I thought it was worth it. And shockingly, they've been in the fridge for a week and taste just as fresh or moreso than the ones my dad has been buying that are non-organic.
Right now I am drinking more green tea and listening to beautiful piano music (beethoven moonlight sonata) as the snow falls. I just got out of a wonderful sitting in the hot tub in the middle of a beautiful michigan snow storm. Put jojoba oil on my face first, as always, as this seems to really do something with my skin. Then, just sat there, tried to release all the stress, letting it wash through and escape me, and pondered for a while. Half the anxiety was not gone but it was good practice. Meditative almost.
Got out of the hot tub and really examined my body in the mirror. How could I be mad at the boy for asking me that question--it's what it looks like. Incredible how much water weight I carry in that one area, in addition to my hips being so wide--I've got sort of a maternal looking figure. I looked at myself and felt a few tears in my eyes thinking, what am I, some sort of science experiment? Did aliens impregnate me? That's what I look like. I know exactly why he thought what he did too--because yesterday when I was trying to open a water bottle laying down, I pressed it really hard against my rib cage, flattening that part of my body out while the water weight on my belly area below stood out. I have this showing rib cage and bump over my belly. I heard him shudder a bit and I knew that bothered him and then when he asked about it later it only confirmed my suspicions. Don't blame him. I'll just try to fix it.
Not really hungry right now but I think I'll have an orange with my green tea, that is a very refreshing thing to do. Then I have to call the student loan place again to get more things sorted out. Goodness this music is calming! :)
Okay I ended up having a few oranges :) 4 clementines to be exact. With that green tea. :)
Later, I called the loan company to apply for forbearance. I was so nervous I almost caved and ate some rice to calm myself down, had one bite of a frozen vegan chocolate pop, before putting it back in the fridge because it wasn't giving me what I wanted and I knew I wanted something warming/calming. I held myself together because I want to keep this energy I have and felt it would be walking backward in some other direction, even with the help of the nerve calming rice. I made myself some chamomile tea and squeezed a florida orange into it, which made it rather delightful, I'm sure this would be a delicious -tonic- with ginger and cinnamon, but this right now is enough to delight me. :) I called, and the guy on the phone was really sweet and nice, a bit less professional (I find that wonderful! more caring.) than the other two ladies I talked to, he even said he hoped I felt better. I will be getting a forbearance app in the mail, how wonderful!! And my last months loan is paid off so I won't be reported to the credit bureau. Infinite reliefs are pouring off of my chest!!!! Now I just need to get the app, send it back, and have my school update the national clearing house, along with of course signing up for classes. I shall have to talk to an advisor tomorrow and see what they say on which classes I should take. Oh I also need to get my transcript from Western--anyway, the hardest part is over!!! I am not too concerned about the transcript at this point because if I don't get it on time and I end up having to take random classes, this will mean I can spend this semester being a half time student again while working and saving up more money. I am just so proud I have done this on my own and I am doing it all for myself and on time. As long as I keep on going, I have nothing to worry or feel guilty about, and that's what matters. :)
Maybe I could try selling a few of my old textbooks too--goodness, they are money collecting dust. But so hard to sell! Gosh, the one time I tried to sell one, a girl bought it and then canceled it saying she found a cheaper one--and my account had to pay a fee for not selling it! I should have used ebay's half site rather than their regular site, but regardless I found it greatly discouraging and ever since the whole process has been too daunting for me to really consider...but I know I should. It'd be a great help to have a few hundred simply from selling those books in my bank account to spend on raw foods or use toward whatever hidden fees come my way!!!
Anyway. :) TTYL.