Day Four of my Juice Feast/Fast...

[DaisyHair]

This is going to be a long post.. I have so much I want to write about!

Today I reached a personal goal.. I am now at the weight I was the day my DH and I married 12 years ago. This was my first weight goal and it’s taken me a year and a half.

I feel so proud, so amazed that I am finally freeing myself of the oppression of my fat. I know, to me oppression is a pretty serious word but I set here trying to think of a word that describes how it feels to me to be fat and it feels.. "to be held down " to me. I have so many emotions I am going thru right now.. it’s like they are all whirling around inside and every once in a while one will surface and then swirl away then another will surface and go and another. I don’t think I have even begun to actually scratch the surface.

Temptation:

Well yesterday I was on the phone with my sis "S" and we were talking about getting together for Thanksgiving. I said I wanted to make some good raw cranberry sauce and maybe I could figure out a way to make dressing in a Vegan way and started thinking about the holidays and started to feel SORRY for myself and for a fleeting minute was tempted to just call it a day with the juice fast and make something "wonderful" for my DH for dinner. I always feel guilt when I am really restricting my eating because I can’t cook for him.. I just can’t. (he us eating Amy’s vegan meals right now).

I have used feeding him a nice meal as a reason to go off my plan, many times... whatever. I got over it quickly but I know as the weeks go by it’s going to be more and more difficult. I want to get healthy and slender. I am thru with excuse-making, rationalization and BS.. Sabotage and such. I am thru with willful ignorance. There is so much I want to do with my life but I feel stagnant because of this FAT. I feel in limbo.. like I am not really living.

Thankful for the VAULT!

These weigh in’s in the Vault are really going to help me. I’ve never been a "joiner".. I am much more of a loner but I am glad I did this. The accountability is already helping my commitment.

I know I can make several wonderful raw things for the holidays I am just not ready to start thinking about them NOW!

In the World of Weird:

I laid down for a few minutes yesterday afternoon and before I knew it I had slept for an hour and a half.. had a weird sort of quick dream (only thing I can remember) a door opening and a voice saying "welcome home".. I didn’t see anyone but the voice was male. Interesting and honestly it freaked me out a bit.

More dreams:

Dreams last night.. I felt more like they were sad memories and I actually woke up after each of them.. I had two dreams. Both of them were from when I was in my 20’s.

I felt sad for what I had been thru (my 20’s were pretty horrid years) and started to think about how loved I am now.. and knew I needed to start the work on letting all that old heart ache fall away..

I think these are memories that are bubbling up for me to deal with as I do this cleanse.. I think I am sort of cleansing my soul. I realized that I have had lots of pain in the past.. more than I thought – or more than I have thought about in a long time. I was very alone back then and felt that way.. I also got very good and closing myself off and not feeling a thing. I think I am supposed to be working on that also.. feeling more.

I mostly feel I am supposed to honor the fact that I was very sad and hurt and alone and I made it thru. I found a great love and learned to love myself and now I have a very happy and comfortable life. I can let that all go now.. the past does not have to hold me down.

Energy:

Yesterday I was good in the Am, Low.. in the afternoon and nil at night.. been napping during the day. It is not like me but since I have started Raw I have needed naps during the day every once in a while.

Of Note:

-I woke up twice last night to go to the bathroom.. I never do that. Didn’t’ feel like I got good rest.

-I am really sensitive to smells! I walked past the cat box and almost fainted. (well not really but you get the picture) and it’s been changed recently. Ugg.

-Yesterday I was not hungry for quite some time.. only got in two quarts of juice. It’s amazing how I can feel a bit shaky and need sustenance and drink juice and be good for 3+ hours.. it’s wonderful.

-I have this burgundy velvet size L hoodie I bought for inspiration and it was a bit cold this morning and I decided to try it on and it fits.. not tight at ALL.. can I get a Hell Yes!

-I had to have a serious nap yesterday again.. feel so blessed that I can actually lay down in the middle of the day but felt a twinge of guilt..

Detox

-lots of itching and really tired yesterday. Emotional detox big time!

Food Today:

-Lemon water and 1 teaspoon MSM with stevia

-2 apples ½ orange ½ lemon

-cucumber, beet greens, tomato, celery, peach, plum kale, carrot (veggie and fruit stragglers – sort of a leftover juice)

-small 12 oz tomato carrot and celery

-licorice herbal tea

-my Spicy V8 juice (lots of veggies and a bit of ginger and jalapeno with only fruit being lime)

Lastly:

Ok.. TMI alert.. if you are squeamish (I am) stop reading now, ok?

　

Ok.. I am a southern girl and was raised to not talk openly about "potty issues" and still feel very uncomfortable about it.. but I am here for my Raw friends and wanted to discuss this because I think it's very important. I have to tell you I did a coffee enema yesterday. Lets just say I was successful.. I want to say that I am very surprised I decided to do this. I actually bought an enema bag a year ago during a gall/liver cleanse and could never convince myself it was needed. After doing research on the reason for coffee enemas.. I was sold. If you believe you would never want to do such a thing - well do some research. And believe me if I can do an enema anyone can.. I am extremely squeamish.

I was able to actually hold it for about 8 min. the whole 4C. Which I have read is impressive for your first attempt *pats myself on the back* I didn’t get the full 15 min in! I all of a sudden felt these familiar little waves on my lower back that signal I have to go BAD – I have felt these before with Senna tea.. I got up off my little bathroom pillow bed and plopped myself down on the toilet. Ok.. just wow is all I can say. It went on for about 5-7 min – I just set there and smiled.. proud of myself for being able to do this.. I was surprised how much rushed out.. considering I have had no solid food in 3 days now..

[Vegan♥for♥Life]

WOW! You're doing awesome girl! The dreams? It's part of the metamorphasis your body, mind, and soul are doing. I too have been having odd, not disturbing, but odd dreams. Once that when you wake up you go, "huh! Alrighty then!"
Your energy will come and go and then all of a sudden it'll stay and you'll have to learn how to "tone" it down.
Temptation will probably always be there or at least for a long while. Sorry, but you figure you've been eating poor choices a lot longer than Raw...but it's how you DEAL with the temptations.
And awesome about the coffee enema. I am so wanting to do that. I keep saying this weekend, this weekend. That was about 3 weekend's ago.
Keep up the good GR8 work!!!

[Tia]

I am wanting to start on my own personal journey and I am a lil scared to say the least... keep up the great work and keep us posted... you are inspiring me to move forward!

[Bette Bliss Shaw]

Oh boy....I could say lots. but I know as the weeks go by it’s going to be more and more difficult Consider that it might actually get easier and easier, especially if that is what you say and think!
There is so much I want to do with my life but I feel stagnant because of this FAT. I feel in limbo.. like I am not really living.What if you started living today as if,as if you were thin, as if the weight is not really the thing, as if, you are already complete and whole and a wonderful hman being? If not now, when. Wooohooooo!

Good for you, the coffee enemas rock! I cannot live without enemas,especially when juicing! Hooooray again!

You are on your waaaaay! YAY Daisy Hair

[Liz Bock]

You cracked me up with 'the end' of your post... wait until you get the wheatgrass enema!!!
Hell ya! for your hoodie!
Great job in honoring your feelings/memories... let go of the bad and ugly and EMBRACE the good! :)
Keep shining my friend!

[Terry]

Great post. You are doing great. Congrats!