Real Food Rehab

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I could list all the things that have recently changed in my life or are about to change, but it would probably be quicker to say what has not: almost nothing.  Oh, ok, I'll quit being lazy:

 

1.  Mom got really sick (like REALLY sick) on Good Friday (it was not so good.)  She was knocking on Heaven's door but Thank God St. Peter said, "Go away! We don't want any!" and she made it.  But I realized, and so did my only sis, that this meant she could never live alone again.  Period.  We looked at "Rehabilitation Centers" and saw "nursing home where people are warehoused till they give up and die."  Instead we brought her home, and I moved in.  My 18 yr old son, still in highschool (graduating on June 11!  Gack!) did not want to move because it was far from his school (10 miles) and would just make everything harder.  So I sucked up very many tears and moved myself and one kitty and let him stay in our house with the dog and other kitty and I just check on him and hang out with him a lot. But I miss seeing his smile every day and I feel like a bad mother, even though he is doing great.  He buys his food (and my MIL brings him lots of meals) and takes care of the pets and keeps the house clean and is just so responsible beyond his years.  I am so proud of him!

 

2.  He is graduating.  My daughter did that a few years ago and went away to college and I handled it ok.  Not great.  But this is mah bay-bee and he is graduating and then he will be away being a camp counselor this summer and going off to University this fall and I am feeling it.  I am having a lot of grief around the most treasured part of my life, being a mom, morphing and being forever altered.  I also feel cheated of my short time with him because of needing to be with my mom.  I feel like I am doing the right thing, but I am losing out and I know it.  And it hurts.  I feel like I am being left behind while everyone goes off to start their grand adventure.  It's the old "I can't live without you but you won't miss me a bit."  It's not true, I know, just perception bourne of grief for childhood's end and wishing I had more time with these incredible people I am lucky enough to have call me mom.

 

3. Because my mom's house is already fully furnished (and then some!) I am liquidating about 90% of what I own.  All the furniture except a family heirloom china hutch and a hope chest, and our beds and electronics, and of course my Vitamix, Exculibur, spiralizer,and food processor.  The rest is going to be going into a very short "estate sale" type of sale and whatever is left will be given to charity.  Of course I am keeping photos and clothes, but even the clothes are getting a stern look and being asked, "Do I love you?  Do you look good on me?  Do you have stains or need repairs?" and if it doesn't pass all the tests out it goes to bless someone else.  Now, if I am honest I am a bit of a horder--nothing like those extreme cases on tv--but I have a hard time giving up things because "it was expensive" "it is sentimental" "I might need that," etc.  So this is going to be a huge release and letting go.  And the money I get from the sale I will use to donate to the storm victims in Oklahoma.  My heart tells me that is the right thing to do, and it takes the sting out of losing "my stuff."

 

4.  I recently re-rawed, and there is a grief there too, for the bad food that I know was killing me but tasted good.  I don't have to tell all of you that it can be hard.  I am not a moderation girl, either. As a compulsive eater, I need to stay on my plan which is mostly raw (85%) all vegan, no gluten, no sugar except fruit.  Just as you wouldn't tell an alcoholic, "Oh, just one beer won't hurt!" or offer "just one cigarette" to an ex-smoker, I know that going back to my old ways even a little will make it nigh unto impossible to get back to healthy.  I have made my peace with it, I would rather walk and breathe and LIVE, and it is a good trade off to say the least!  But crap food had been my crutch a long time, and without it, I limp a little.

 

So I guess that I am saying that although it is really hard to get to a computer (only access to one at work, where they expect me to, you know, work) I am going to be committing to coming here and journaling and reaching out for support and to be there for all of you too.  Can I ask for some Cliff Notes as to what's been going on for you?

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Comment by Heather L.O.V.E. on June 7, 2013 at 10:43am

Amahla and Mary Ann I feel like no one really prepared me for this empty nest thing.  I always just heard people laugh about it, and make fun of the ridiculous mom who won't let her kids go.  But that's the thing: I am letting go. They are free to live their lives and I will just be here cheering them on.  And so I am treating it like what it is, a kind of grief.  That feels very healing to me.  I so appreciate your love and support because it is fresh for you and you understand.  Thank you for your love!

Mrs. Penni- You are so right but you more than any one know that the fact that I still have 2 parents right now trumps any discomfort or tumult I am going to have to navigate through.  This is an answer to prayer--this is what I deeply desired--a little more time with Mom.  I am so grateful!  I need to live in that gratitude and let the other stuff slide off my back.  So maybe your prayers are working--I am reveling in the Grace right now!

Janet Carol Ryan-Thank you for reminding me to trust myself.  Honestly since I have not been living with Joe (about a month) I have been making so much more effort to go and do fun things with him and have had more "mom and son" dates than we ever did before.  I plan on taking some time to drive down and hang out with him when he is at college once in a while (he'll be about 2 hrs away) so you're right--I'm not going to let this connection end.  I am going to do whatever is necessary to make this work. :)

 

Comment by Mary Ann on June 5, 2013 at 9:01am

Its so lovely to see your beautiful written word again!!! I've recently "lost" my two children to college graduation and their first jobs - its been so bittersweet....Its wonderful because they are such awesome human beings that I am so proud of, but I feel as though I have lost my "job" and my purpose. Its been a soul searching year for sure, but I know that it is filled with so many possibilities. I am looking forward to your posts Heather - you make me smile and give me inspiration....thank you!!! xoxoxo

Comment by Penni on June 4, 2013 at 9:26pm

OHHHhhhhhhh Sistah! Thank you for taking the time to write/type it out, in your most gloriously creative way. WHEW ---- so much happening and I totally get it all and am sending  you BIG LOVE, light, prayers, strength, wisdom, patience, grace and peace as you walk through it all. So many emotions swirling around. I'm not that far away if you need me, okay? Love you!

Comment by Janet Carol Ryan on June 4, 2013 at 7:19pm

It's good to hear from you miz. L.O.V.E ~ ch ch ch changes indeed! You are resilient and resourceful and you certainly are creative - what an amazing solution you've come up with. I trust that you will find some wonderful ways to connect with your son, and with us and with your wide circle of loved ones as you go through the waves of change. I agree with Amahla's comment - parenting seems to start with letting go from the moment that they are out of the womb, and it doesn't really let up! 

Comment by Amahla Johnson on June 4, 2013 at 2:08pm

i appreciate hearing your feelings about your children growing up...mine is only 8 right now but i like hearing people being real about each part of the journey.  there is not enough public discussion about the internal emotional experience of being a parent.  so much of it is about letting go in different ways...

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