Bad Morning.

[L.]

This morning was pretty horrid.  My boyfriend and I truly can clash and clash away.  I was rushing around this morning--I woke up feeling like I could take on the world because my arthritis wasn't bothering me (this is no evidence, of yet.  I'm still taking a low dose of prednisone and muscle relaxers daily.  if I don't, I can't function--yet.  we'll see.).  So I took the shortest shower I've ever managed, got dressed, and started preparing my lunch for today.  I was rushing because I had asked Adam if he wanted to leave earlier this morning, and I really wanted to follow through with my promise.  I needed to fix a green soup I made yesterday that I got a little bold with the greens on.  Pretty bitter.  So I did that, started chopping lettuce, and I'm running around, and essentially, I cut my finger.  It barely hurt at all, but it was bleeding a lot.  Paper cuts have hurt worse--there is a scientific reason for that--it's because a knife cuts a straight line, whereas paper gives your finger all sorts of microtears.  Anyway my boyfriend sees and flips out, as he's always telling me to be more careful with the knife.  I keep telling him to leave me alone, let me take care of this myself, and he's all up in my business, trying to help but actually just slowing me down, finally I just can't take it anymore and I pushed him out of the way and ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind me.  Took me about 30 seconds to do what I needed to do (wash hands, cotton ball, duck tape, done) in what was taking the two of us well over 3 minutes.  Sometimes 2 hands are better than 4.

 

He was like, "You know what?  If you keep this up Lyza, I'm done."

Then he kept reminding me of all the things I needed to do and asking me if I remembered anything.  I finally told him what I've been feeling for ages, "I don't want to do this if you keep this up.  I am NOT your daughter.  I feel like I'm dating my father!!  I am like every other normal person, I might forget something once every few weeks.  But you reminding me of everything every single morning is HELL for me.  I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS react angrily when you do that.  I would rather forget than deal with you doing that every morning!!  If you keep it up, I won't want to be with you anymore."

I'm a girl who thrives on being independent and I truly have felt like my boyfriend can just suck all of the air out of me with all this stuff.  I know some women like this, and that's fine, but accept that I am not.  It drives me INSANE.  I've already compromised as much as I can with this.

His response shows me that he loves me a lot--he really does not want to break up at all.  He said, "Well...I guess you're just going to keep getting angry again."  But not enough to quit it. :(

 

I may not be able to take this anymore.  I really did love being single.

 

And he wants children--something I will never want--maybe if somehow in ten years I transform into a far different person, but as of yet, my personality has pretty much always been the same, and it's something I've never felt any sort of desire for.  I enjoy other people's children, but I do not want them around indefinitely.  I love, love, love coming home and being able to do what I want, and not having to heed to some kid that's going to need everything.  It doesn't appease to me at all, to the point where I really don't think I'd be a loving mother.  It's just who I am.  I am a caring, loving person, but I thrive from having my me time.  I think you guys can see this a lot better reading my journal now, because you're seeing an actual scenario where this is happening and not just hearing me drone on all excitedly about how independent I am. :P

 

Mentally, like yesterday, I still feel pretty good this morning, very quick, very easy for me to retain information, albeit a little depressed now.  I'm hoping my lifespan psychology class will perk me up.  I don't feel motivated to do my math homework at all today.  I just kind of want to curl up into a ball and sob.

 

Lots going on here!!

Take care :)

L.

Edit:  I think I'll juice when I get home today as well as eat that soup.  I ended up not even being able to pack it because the bowl it was in's lid won't seal and we had no other clean tupperware or jars.  I might end up having to buy a salad or something today (and I really can't afford it, but oh well.)...two oranges and an apple probably won't stretch me over to 7:30.  I really want to nourish myself.

Going to put some makeup on.  Feeling as bad as I do, it'll be nice to at least feel pretty.

[L.]

Thanks :)  It did!!

[Laura Harshbarger]

Hope your day got better Lyza!