Adding LIFE to your years and years to your life!
Today started off better. Happy Spring! We made it! Out from the train station, I bought myself 4 bananas (not organic), an Odwalla bar (not raw), and an Odwalla juice (pasturized) from a corner store. A little over 5 dollars. I instantly felt the energy. Bless those little Chiquita bananas.
Then for lunch during my shift, I ate what I made for lunch yesterday. A really sad version of chili with too much rice, and not enough sauce. I heated it up in the microwave, in plastic, ate it, and instantly felt depressed, and low.
Uh oh. Warning signs.
All I craved instead of that chili was lettuce. Green lettuce and one of my homemade dressings.
After my shift, all I could do is talk about food. I need to stop doing that. A lot of people at work think I'm vegetarian or vegan. No one needs to start thinking I have an eating disorder. I already look sickly, but no one can really see it with all of my layers. Before my shift ended, I wrote an encourgaing note about self love, self respect, and how I can do this one day at a time. Then I crossed the street, and went head first into a BBQ burger, fries, and a chocolate peanut butter frappe.
I boarded my train home disoriented. I felt nauseous, my nose started running, I don't know whether my sudden migraine is from the lack of eating, or the salt. The sugary sweet syrup in my frappe made my skin crawl. My skin started to pinch, like the candida, the parasites on certain points in my stomach and leg. My private skin itching.
I spent all of my money.
I came home and immediately made myself throw up. I only got some of it. The rest is just nestling inside of me. Making me sick, making me never want to eat it again. And that's exactly what I wanted. Like some grand moment, that I always seem to repeat every other day, where I eat too much and convince myself, "Nope, never again."
I tried to coax myself to go and walk around Whole Foods, but it was too cold to walk so far. I thought but maybe even just the site of fresh organic produce would make my heart remember. That breakfast of semi raw food was a mini jolt- When you've finally reached that point between how gruesome you usually feel like and how amazing you used to feel when you were healthy. God, I miss that feeling. With just one meal I've tasted how great my body can feel. Unfortunately, today I was not able to stop the illogical thinking and forced myself to eat bad things. Sigh. It's been two hours since I ate it, a half hour since I threw up, and I'm so weak now.
I want this to be my last meat filled, binge ever. EVER. I'm so sick of it all, I want to say LAST MEAL EVER, and hold myself to it. But I have to give myself time to grow and make mistakes. I'm just so sick of making mistakes though. I just want to be raw from now on forever. Or mostly raw. Or whatever my body needs. Just..no more bingeing. No more purging. No more starving. I can't go on like this any longer.
Did I mention that yesterday, I ate an entire brick of cheese? Because that happened and I was knocked out immediately.