A promising start to Spring gone so very wrong.

[K.G.]

Today started off better. Happy Spring! We made it! Out from the train station, I bought myself 4 bananas (not organic), an Odwalla bar (not raw), and an Odwalla juice (pasturized) from a corner store. A little over 5 dollars. I instantly felt the energy. Bless those little Chiquita bananas.

Then for lunch during my shift, I ate what I made for lunch yesterday. A really sad version of chili with too much rice, and not enough sauce. I heated it up in the microwave, in plastic, ate it, and instantly felt depressed, and low.

Uh oh. Warning signs.

All I craved instead of that chili was lettuce. Green lettuce and one of my homemade dressings.

After my shift, all I could do is talk about food. I need to stop doing that. A lot of people at work think I'm vegetarian or vegan. No one needs to start thinking I have an eating disorder. I already look sickly, but no one can really see it with all of my layers. Before my shift ended, I wrote an encourgaing note about self love, self respect, and how I can do this one day at a time. Then I crossed the street, and went head first into a BBQ burger, fries, and a chocolate peanut butter frappe.

I boarded my train home disoriented. I felt nauseous, my nose started running, I don't know whether my sudden migraine is from the lack of eating, or the salt.  The sugary sweet syrup in my frappe made my skin crawl. My skin started to pinch, like the candida, the parasites on certain points in my stomach and leg. My private skin itching.

I spent all of my money.

I came home and immediately made myself throw up. I only got some of it. The rest is just nestling inside of me. Making me sick, making me never want to eat it again. And that's exactly what I wanted. Like some grand moment, that I always seem to repeat every other day, where I eat too much and convince myself, "Nope, never again."

I tried to coax myself to go and walk around Whole Foods, but it was too cold to walk so far. I thought but maybe even just the site of fresh organic produce would make my heart remember. That breakfast of semi raw food was a mini jolt- When you've finally reached that point between how gruesome you usually feel like and how amazing you used to feel when you were healthy. God, I miss that feeling. With just one meal I've tasted how great my body can feel. Unfortunately, today I was not able to stop the illogical thinking and forced myself to eat bad things. Sigh. It's been two hours since I ate it, a half hour since I threw up, and I'm so weak now.

I want this to be my last meat filled, binge ever. EVER. I'm so sick of it all, I want to say LAST MEAL EVER, and hold myself to it. But I have to give myself time to grow and make mistakes. I'm just so sick of making mistakes though. I just want to be raw from now on forever. Or mostly raw. Or whatever my body needs. Just..no more bingeing. No more purging. No more starving. I can't go on like this any longer.

Did I mention that yesterday, I ate an entire brick of cheese? Because that happened and I was knocked out immediately.

[nathalie carles]

Again GREEN SMOOTHIES it calms down cravings in a weird way. Do not think about dieting of whatever (take away the food of your mind, sort of think that you can eat what you want without obsessing too much)  just drink a massive green smoothie in the morning, it really really helps. Don't ask me why but it does.

[K.G.]

Thank you all so much, this is really so sweet. I'm about to cry. Thank you for taking the time to write me.

When I have had days like this, I do chat with a ED hotline online. It REALLY helped. Going vegan is doable for me! But my body does say it hates cooked vegan meals. I've tried low fat and high fat, and I just feel so drunk and out of it and depressed. I know my body wants fruit, I should eat that along with vegan meals, because eating low fat cooked vegan meals is better than...nothing and bingeing on the SAD which is not giving my sanity or my wallet any kind of break. I definately will looking into the website Choosing Raw. I need to start my healing from within I know. Things have been so crazy this week, my life made it clear to me that I DO need a meditation in the morning when I wake up to gather myself, and one before bed to collect and reflect. And yoga as another mind-body-spirit connection practice. I wish there were more practices like that because that's what I need. To go into child pose, and just cry. To learn to love myself, and eat.

I was at a friend's house yesterday and it was soo apparent I have an ED. Gosh, it's been nearly 10 years. And my body just goes up and down. There's a slight curve at the hips, but clothes drown me, I wear two scarves. I'm really sad that I've hurt this much and have done this to myself as a way to get out of my anger, but I'm also really fortunate for those moments, for this website, for your comments of love and support.

I wanna do so well and just let everyone know I'm okay!

[Daphne]

I think Lyza made a good comment suggesting to work with a therapist. Forget about organic bananas, raw food rules and all that stuff. It really comes down to loving and appreciating yourself. Once you start working on that I bet the food journey will be a lot easier. And you deserve it girl! You're totally worth it! I'm sending you lots of love and hope you will find a way to deal with your struggles.

[L.]

Another thing is--people have this fantasy that the raw food is going to change your whole life--and while that's somewhat true, it's a bit of a facade. Like, okay, I've been eating this way for 2 months now, and while my food never makes me sick--and I never get sick, I wouldn't say I'm on a jet plane to heaven or anything :P My emotions are pretty much the same as before when I was eating cooked food.

[L.]

As a former diagnosed bulemic (now completely recovered), I really do think that something that would be helpful to you, and was so helpful for me--is having a therapist. It is so hard to crawl out of an eating disorder on your own. I think the worst thing you can do is to restrict food right now--at least to the level of raw. I didn't go raw completely until 2 months ago--about 3 years since I last had an eating disorder. I did go vegan in recovery, and for me it was an extremely satisfying, wonderful process because my whole heart was in it, I wanted to do it for the animals, my body, and I couldn't not do it because if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have peace of mind. It really was quite the conundrum, but it is possible to go vegan in recovery from an eating disorder--there's a website called Choosing Raw written by a vegan dietitian I love who writes articles about girls who are recovered vegans all the time (and lots of recipes that are partially cooked, and partially raw--she is accepting and thinks it should be a balance of both, never extreme and above all never something that's mentally torturous). Anyway; peace of mind. It is so important... if going vegan is not giving you peace of mind right now--you need to wait until you are ready. Right now the most important thing is recovering from your eating disorder, by any means. I highly recommend therapy...I just see my old self so much in this entry and talking to someone is so, so cathartic when you are this deep in, far moreso than a journal can ever be, as those can get lonely. Take care, I'd love to help you in whatever way I can if you need it!! :)

[nathalie carles]

I forgot the water in the green smoothie but I guess you knew! make a HUGE one so you feel full!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nathalie carles]

Don't beat yourself up the past is the past yo cannot go back on it so better forget and get on with the present and the future. I have found a trick for this kind of behaviour:

1 - do not think about dieting or what you have to eat or not eat

2 - drink a huge green smoothies (2 bananas + 1 apple + some green like spinach or kale + squeeze a lemon in it if you have some)

3 - drink it slowly and if you have left over drink it anyway

4 - then go back to your life and eat what you want

Do that every day and then like after a day or tow all your cravings go away by themselves keep the green smoothie in the morning that is mandatory

It is amazing the cravings go away by themselves, try to eat healthier without thinking about food too much and what ever you eat do not forget to drink some green smoothie  even during the (if you can) I add chorella  which adds a nice taste and more green color.hahahahahahaha

But try this, and do not think about food all the time, and get those green drinks in your life they do work!!!!

[Mae Jardine]

Thinking of you, K. G. and leaving you a ((Big Hug)).  Don't give up and as you replace your old habits with new better habits you will see the progress. 

[Maureen Griffin]

Don't be sad or hard on yourself KG. Forgive yourself and move on. We all have to. I'm sure you know that your eating patterns are more about emotional attachments than food cravings -you are craving much more than a food fix. We all do -to be loved and accepted and feel good about ourselves.

Can I encourage you to do some work with your feelings as a starting point. There is a lot of positivity here, vids etc (Susan Bradbury  has lots of material -maybe ask her to suggest something to empower you and get you on the sustainable change train:)

I also think Tapping (EFT)-Nick Ortner's website for example has a lot of value for releasing old emotions and moving forwrd.

I am having the same conversation with myself today about exercise - I need to do it badly and I'm sick of not doing it. It's good you shared your feelings.

I'm happy to be your accountability buddy and you can be mine if you like. All the best.